- Neil Diamond: Well, folks, it's the end of the line for ol' Neil Diamond. That's right, I'm retiring from showbiz. I got me a ranch house out in Sausalito, 25 acres, a couple of pigs, sex swing in the basement, this weird Vietnamese guy who just kind of hangs out - you know, the American Dream.
- Tina Fey: San Francisco was rattled by a magnitude 5.2 earthquake Tuesday. One San Francisco man said the quake was so strong it shook the gay out of him.
- Tina Fey: Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate 'Tara 2,' after Scarlett O'Hara's plantation in Gone With The Wind. Meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.
- Tina Fey: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table - Where Are The Babies? Why Haven't You Had A Baby? And, For God's Sake Have A Baby. Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need: another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And Sylvia's right- I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That woulda worked out great. But Sylvia's message is feminism can't change nature, which is true. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim. Ladies, there's no reason to panic though, it's out of your control anyway. Either your cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40, and this was back in the 70s when the only fertility aid was Harvey's Bristol Cream. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take. And, I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, six half-pound translucent babies is not a miracle, it's gross. I'd rather adopt a baby - I don't need a kid that looks like me. I was not a cute kid. I looked like a cross between that chick from the Indigo Girls... and the other chick from the Indigo Girls. Not a cute kid.
- [Alex Trebek makes a cameo in the "Celebrity Jeopardy!" skit]
- Sean Connery: Well, well, well. Two Trebeks. I feel like I'm in a Raisin Bran commercial: two scoops of fruit.
- Alex Trebek: [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery.
- Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?
- Alex Trebek: Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.
- Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother.