- Alec Baldwin: [speaking to himself, as he is about to go out and host] It's you're night, big guy. Tonight we crush that little clown monkey.
- Jack Patrick: Look, Midge, I am onto your game! And I have let passion get in the way of my crafting too many times. Now my only lady friend is my hot-glue gun.
- Stone Freeman: Oprah, I swear on a stack of my own books, that my memoir is 100% true.
- Oprah Winfrey: So you're saying that everything in this book is true?
- Stone Freeman: 100% true, with a margin of error of 100%.
- Oprah Winfrey: I see. so, what parts of the book are not true?
- Stone Freeman: Well, it's not so much that they are untrue, as much as they are true-less. Or lie-ish.