Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Maestro (1995)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jerry Seinfeld : [dark corner of Italian restaurant]  Ah, excuse me, I'm looking for a Mr. Ciccio.

  Ciccio : Si, si, I'mma Ciccio.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Poppy sent me to see you, Mr. Ciccio.

  Ciccio : Si, si, Poppy.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Um, did he, did he mention to you why I called?

  Ciccio : Si, the house in Tuscana.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Yeah, right, right. So is there anything there to rent?

  Ciccio : Si. Two million a Lira. You give me the check.

  Jerry Seinfeld : I didn't actually want to rent it.

  Ciccio : The keys, here are the keys. You give me the check. Two million a Lira. Seventeen hundred Americana. Molto generoso.

  [a man approaches and whispers into Ciccio's ear] 

  Ciccio : [to the man]  Ah, si, si.

  Jerry Seinfeld : [nerviously watches the man walk away]  So see um, I didn't say that I wanted to rent it, I was just wondering if there were... houses there to rent.

  Ciccio : Si.

  [holds up the keys] 

  Ciccio : Thissa one! Capiche?

• [first lines] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : I've never been anyplace where there was no coffee. People are constantly trying to give you coffee. "Would you like coffee? Can I get you some coffee?" Coffee is one of the only things you can have that people continue to try and give it to you. Waitresses are always coming over, "Can I fill it up? Can I warm it up? Can I top it off?" You can lift up a manhole cover, "We just made a fresh pot. Would you like some?" This liquid has taken over humanity. There are coffee machines we have to call "mister". "Coffee anyone? Hey, that's Mr. Coffee to you."

• George Costanza : I can sense the slightest human suffering.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Are you sensing anything right now?

• Jerry Seinfeld : So, what about the "Maestro" stuff? Did he make you all him Maestro?

  Elaine Benes : Yeah, I called him Maestro.

  Jerry Seinfeld : You didn't mind?

  Elaine Benes : Well, I did at first, but actually I kind of got used to it.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Okay, from now on I want you to call me "Jerry the Great".

  Elaine Benes : I'm not calling you "Jerry the Great".

  Jerry Seinfeld : Why not? You call him Maestro.

  Elaine Benes : He is a Maestro.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Well, I'm great.