- [Lisa and Marge are watching a soap opera. On TV, a dishevelled man dressed as a priest bursts into the room, surprising the amorous couple inside]
- Jack's Girlfriend: Father McGrath... I thought you were dead.
- Father McGrath: I was!
- [Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge]
- Lisa: Gee, is it always this good?
- Actor Marge: Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse.
- Emily Winthrop: Ladies and gentlemen, most of you think that with a little love and compassion, any puppy will grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy - stuff and nonsense, taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits!
- Homer Simpson: Everybody in the kitchen; we're having a family meeting!
- Bart Simpson: We never had a family meeting before.
- Homer Simpson: We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before!
- Homer Simpson: [when Homer attempts to return the shredded Assassins at the store] My dog was bringing them to me and they fell apart in his mouth.
- Clerk #1: I'm sorry, sir. Our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft or acts of dog.
- Homer Simpson: [after she gives a speech defending the dog] Oh Lisa - if they're ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey.
- Marge Simpson: This one's mine.
- Lisa: Keep on truckin'? What does that mean?
- Marge Simpson: I didn't know then and... I don't know now.