The Simpsons (TV Series)

Cape Feare (1993)

Harry Shearer: Ned Flanders, Scratchy, McBain, Jasper Beardly, Radio DJ, Parole Judge, Persuasive Man, First FBI Man, Football Announcer

Quotes 

• [the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program] 

  FBI Man #1 : Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".

  Homer : Check!

  FBI Man #1 : Hello, Mr. Thompson.

  [Homer stares blankly] 

  FBI Man #1 : Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.

  Homer : I gotcha.

  FBI Man #1 : Hello, Mr. Thompson.

  [again Homer stares blankly] 

  FBI Man #1 : [FBI men stare at each other] 

  [hours pass by] 

  FBI Man #1 : [frustrated]  Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.

  Homer : No problem.

  FBI Man #1 : [stepping hard on Homer's foot]  Hello, Mr. Thompson.

  Homer : [stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI man]  I think he's talking to you.

• Announcer : Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your host, Corporal Obengruppenfuhrer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain!

  [McBain walks out on stage] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle : Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey. That's some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.

  [audience boos] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle : Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.

  [audience boos] 

• Radio DJ : All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully."

  [Wipe Out begins playing] 

• [getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school] 

  Marge : [menacingly, with large scissors]  Bart... I'm going to GET you...

  [brightly, clipping coupons] 

  Marge : ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.

  [Bart walks down the street] 

  Ned Flanders : [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove]  Say your prayers, Simpson...

  [brightly] 

  Ned Flanders : ...because the schools can't force you like they should.

  [to Maude] 

  Ned Flanders : Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

  [Bart enters class] 

  Mrs. Krabappel : [menacingly]  You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...

  [brightly] 

  Mrs. Krabappel : ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.

  [Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe] 

  Martin Prince : Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

• [last lines] 

  Marge : [as the car pulls up in front of the house]  It's so good to be home again.

  Grampa Simpson : [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car]  Look what happened without my pills!

  Marge : [gasps]  Bart! Run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine!

  Jasper Beardly : [appears, dressed in his finest]  Not so fast.

  [Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe] 

  Jasper Beardly : I wanna court this fair young maiden.

  [the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll] 

  Grampa Simpson : [to Jasper]  There's something you should know about me.

  Jasper Beardly : I've got Steve and Edie tickets.

  Grampa Simpson : I'm all yours.

  [Abe kisses Jasper] 

• [alternate ending] 

  Jasper Beardly : [appears dressed in his finest]  Not so fast.

  [Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe] 

  Jasper Beardly : Hey, wait till the canoe.

  [Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river] 

  Jasper Beardly : [singing]  It won't be a stylish marriage.

  Grampa Simpson : [singing]  We can't afford a carriage.

  Jasper Beardly : [singing]  But you'll look sweet.

  Jasper Beardly : [singing]  Upon the seat

  Jasper Beardly , Grampa Simpson : [singing]  of a bicycle built for two. Of a bicycle built for two.

• Announcer : [Opening scene, Bart and Lisa are watching TV]  Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain. I'm your announcer, Obergruppenfuehrer Wolfcastle. And here's McBain!

  Rainer Wolfcastle : Ja. Thank you. Ja. That's nice. Let's say hello to my music guy, Scoey.

  [studio audience cheering and applauding] 

  Rainer Wolfcastle : That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.

  Rainer Wolfcastle : [studio audience booing]  Oh. Maybe you all are homosexuals too.

  Bart : This is horrible. The Fox network has sunk to a new low.

• FBI Man #1 : Don't worry, Mrs. Simpson. We've helped hundreds of people in danger. We'll give you a new name, a new job, new identities.

  Homer : Ooh! I wanna be John Elway!

  [dissolve to Homer's daydream as a football player wearing old-fashioned leather uniforms while all the others wear modern football uniforms] 

  Announcer : Elway takes the snap and runs it in for a touchdown! Thanks to Elway's patented last-second magic, the final score of Super Bowl XXX, Denver - 7, San Francisco - 56.

  Homer : [back to reality]  Woohoo!