The Simpsons (TV Series)

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson (1997)

Hank Azaria: Chief Wiggum, 'The Moon of Earth' Narrator, Prof. Frink, English Teacher, Black-Haired Cadet, Firing Range Instructor

Quotes 

• [about Bart's incorrigible behavior] 

  Chief Wiggum : You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

  Homer Simpson : Not very.

• Firing Range Instructor : Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

  [hands Bart a grenade launcher] 

  Bart Simpson : Wow.

  [Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance] 

  Firing Range Instructor : Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.

  Bart Simpson : [slyly]  Did I?

  [Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car] 

  Nelson Muntz : HA-HA!

• [during a hazing in the rain] 

  Cadet : What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?

  Lisa : Is there any answer that I can give that won't result in more push-ups?

  [the platoon huddles] 

  Cadet : No.

• [after Lisa's poor performance at the firing range] 

  Rangemaster : Maybe you should just learn to use this.

  [hands Lisa a whistle] 

  Rangemaster : If there's a war, just blow on it, and I'll come help you.

• [the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy] 

  Cadet in Poetry Class : Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!

  Lisa : They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.

  Poetry Instructor : But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?

  Marge Simpson : Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

• [Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city] 

  Homer Simpson : [shouting]  You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

  Lisa : [shouting]  When do you expect the ringing will stop?

  Chief Wiggum : [checking his watch, shouting]  In about ten to fifteen seconds!

  Marge Simpson : [shouting]  I certainly hope-!

  [ringing stops] 

  Marge Simpson : -so!

  [covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice] 

  Marge Simpson : That's better.

• Chief Wiggum : We'll start the tour in a second. I've just got to check the answering machine.

  [seeing there are 75 messages waiting] 

  Chief Wiggum : Oh, can't anybody in this town take the law into their own hands?

• Cadet : I can't believe they let a girl in.

  Brown-Haired Cadet : Don't worry. We'll drive her out of the academy. That is why God created hazing.