The Simpsons (TV Series)

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (1995)

Nancy Cartwright: Bart Simpson

Quotes 

• Lisa : What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?

  Marge Simpson : Uh-oh.

  Bart : It looks like he's trying to jump over her, but he can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it!

• Smithers : Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

  Mr. Burns : Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /

  [singing] 

  Mr. Burns : Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...

  Mrs. Potts : Kill two for matching clogs.

  Mr. Burns : See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.

  Smithers : I gathered, yeah...

  Lisa : He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!

  Bart : [still humming the tune]  Na na na na na na naa naaaa...

  Lisa : Bart!

  Bart : Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

• Bart : Hey, boy, you want to play fetch?

  [Santa's Little Helper looks up, tired, then puts his head back down] 

  Bart : Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in.

  Marge Simpson : Bart, don't ever say that word again!

  Bart : Well, that's what she is. I looked it up.

  Marge Simpson : Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me...

• Marge Simpson : Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.

  Bart : Yeah, they ate all my socks. I have to wear Lisa's to school today.

  Homer Simpson : [seeing the girly socks he's wearing]  How do you explain the culottes, boy?

  Bart : [wearing a skirt, too]  Well, I have to coordinate, don't I?

• [a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard] 

  Lisa : [gasp]  My bongo drums!

  Bart : My strobe light!

  Homer Simpson : My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!

  Marge Simpson : Yes... the dog.

• Bart : An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again!

  [calls outside to Jimbo] 

  Bart : Hey, Jerkface! You have the face of a jerk!

  Jimbo Jones : [grabs Bart]  All right, Simpson, you asked for-!

  Bart : Get him, boys!

  [the dogs whimper and fall asleep] 

  Bart : [chuckles nervously]  Uh, say, Jimbo, hope I wasn't out of line with that "Jerkface" crack...

  [Jimbo punches him in the stomach and leaves] 

• Race Track Announcer : As they round the far turn, it's She's the Fastest followed by Always Comes in Second and I'm Number Three.

  Homer Simpson : Yes! Come on, you little horse!

  Race Track Announcer : And they're in the home stretch. It's...

  [Santa's Little Helper runs out onto the track] 

  Race Track Announcer : Wait! Another dog is on the track!

  Bart : It's Santa's Little Helper!

  Race Track Announcer : The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside. Of course, he could never win this race... or could he?

• Marge Simpson : All right, who broke my vase?

  Lisa : Who took all my test papers off the refrigerator and tore them up?

  Homer Simpson : Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard before I got a chance to?

  Bart : Oh, please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

  Lisa : [Santa's Little Helper leaps in with a pillow in his mouth and shakes the filling out]  If it wasn't you, then who was it?

  Marge Simpson : [SLH chases after Snowball the cat with a kitchen knife in his mouth]  Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now did they?

  Homer Simpson : [frightened]  Did they?

• Marge Simpson : [after Santa's Little Helper humps a female dog]  I think they're in love.

  Homer Simpson : [the crowd "awws"]  Aw! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

  Lisa : Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, mom?

  Bart : Please?

  Marge Simpson : But she's not our dog.

  Texan : [giving Homer the leash]  She's yours now. Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit.

  Marge Simpson : Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?

  Texan : [guffawing]  Lady, you're all right.

• Bart : [Santa's Little Helper manages to squeeze through the cracked car window]  Hey!

  Homer Simpson : Don't worry. We'll catch him or run him over trying.

  Bart : Look, he's headed back to the greyhound racing track where we found him.

  Homer Simpson : Don't worry. As soon as they find out he doesn't have any money, they'll throw him out. Believe me, I know.

• Bart : Hey, look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend!

  Marge Simpson : Oh, my god! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat.

  Lisa : Look! It's twins!

  Homer Simpson : No, it's two sets of twins.

  Bart : Two sets of twins and a triplet.

  Marge Simpson : Homer! Homer, find a place for all these little miracles.

• Homer Simpson : Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.

  Bart , Lisa : NOOOOO!

  Homer Simpson : Mainly your mother.

  Lisa : Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

  Grampa Simpson : [at the Retirement Castle, he picks up a silent phone receiver]  Hello? Is anybody there?

  [hanging up, dejected] 

  Grampa Simpson : Aw...