The Simpsons (TV Series)

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds (1995)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Texan, Grampa Simpson, IRS Regional Director

Quotes 

• Homer Simpson : Hmm, I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

• Marge Simpson : Now, I know we love the puppies very much, but I think they're getting to be a problem.

  Bart : Yeah, they ate all my socks. I have to wear Lisa's to school today.

  Homer Simpson : [seeing the girly socks he's wearing]  How do you explain the culottes, boy?

  Bart : [wearing a skirt, too]  Well, I have to coordinate, don't I?

• [a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard] 

  Lisa : [gasp]  My bongo drums!

  Bart : My strobe light!

  Homer Simpson : My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!

  Marge Simpson : Yes... the dog.

• Race Track Announcer : As they round the far turn, it's She's the Fastest followed by Always Comes in Second and I'm Number Three.

  Homer Simpson : Yes! Come on, you little horse!

  Race Track Announcer : And they're in the home stretch. It's...

  [Santa's Little Helper runs out onto the track] 

  Race Track Announcer : Wait! Another dog is on the track!

  Bart : It's Santa's Little Helper!

  Race Track Announcer : The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside. Of course, he could never win this race... or could he?

• Lisa : [trying to give the puppies away]  They don't like being broken up.

  Marge Simpson : We've got to be realistic, kids. Who's going to have a big enough heart to take care of 25 puppies?

  Mr. Burns : [chuckling]  And I know the little fellows will love romping around my many acres, chasing my many cars, drinking from my many toilets.

  Homer Simpson : Who wouldn't?

  Lisa : [quietly]  Mom, don't give the puppies to him. He'll be mean to them.

  Marge Simpson : Hmm. She's right, Homer. There's something about his face I don't trust.

  Homer Simpson : [Burns laughs evily]  Uh... I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but you can't have these dogs.

  [flinching] 

  Homer Simpson : Am I fired?

  Mr. Burns : Hmm? Oh, of course not. They're your pets. You can do as you wish.

  [leaving with Smithers] 

  Mr. Burns : Good day, everyone.

  Marge Simpson : My, he certainly took that well.

  Homer Simpson : A little too well, if you ask me. I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme to get those puppies.

  Mr. Burns : [stealing the puppies behind their backs]  There you go. There you go. You, too.

  Smithers : Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort into your schemes that you used to.

• Homer Simpson : [opening a bag of potato chips while watching TV]  Ah...

  [a puppy snatches his chip] 

  Homer Simpson : D'oh!

  [in succession as he takes a new chip out] 

  Homer Simpson : Ah... d'oh! Ah... d'oh! Mm... d'oh! Ah... d'oh! Ooh... d'oh! This time... d'oh! Ah... d'oh!

• Marge Simpson : Yeesh! This house stinks. You're not just putting the new newspapers over the old ones, are you?

  Homer Simpson : [the kitchen floor is littered with paper]  Do you have a better idea?

• Marge Simpson : All right, who broke my vase?

  Lisa : Who took all my test papers off the refrigerator and tore them up?

  Homer Simpson : Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard before I got a chance to?

  Bart : Oh, please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

  Lisa : [Santa's Little Helper leaps in with a pillow in his mouth and shakes the filling out]  If it wasn't you, then who was it?

  Marge Simpson : [SLH chases after Snowball the cat with a kitchen knife in his mouth]  Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves, now did they?

  Homer Simpson : [frightened]  Did they?

• Marge Simpson : [after Santa's Little Helper humps a female dog]  I think they're in love.

  Homer Simpson : [the crowd "awws"]  Aw! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

  Lisa : Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, mom?

  Bart : Please?

  Marge Simpson : But she's not our dog.

  Texan : [giving Homer the leash]  She's yours now. Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit.

  Marge Simpson : Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?

  Texan : [guffawing]  Lady, you're all right.

• Marge Simpson : Ooh, this place is so big. Do you think we should split up and look for him, Homie? Homie?

  Homer Simpson : [at a betting window]  Two bucks to win on number eight.

  [seeing Marge's look, he turns on the waterworks] 

  Homer Simpson : And have you seen my beloved dog?

  [stopping] 

  Homer Simpson : Give me the ticket.

• Homer Simpson : We can't lose! Look at the name of the dog I bet on.

  Marge Simpson : "She's the Fastest." Homer, I don't think that means necessarily...

  Race Track Announcer : And they're off! She's the Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead.

  Homer Simpson : You're lucky you've got looks, Marge.

• Homer Simpson : [Santa's Little Helper energetically digs in the back yard]  Oh, my god! He's got the precious cable TV cable!

• Marge Simpson : Excuse me. We're having a problem with our dog.

  Pet Store Clerk : Lady, I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else: I'm sorry if your dog went blind, but your gripe is with Hartz Mountain, not with me.

  Marge Simpson : No! No, our dog is out of control. He's wild, destructive, and has little or no respect for authority.

  Pet Store Clerk : Hmm. Let me try a canine-human mind meld. It's an incredibly rare psychic power possessed only by me and three other clerks at this store.

  [putting his hands on Santa's Little Helper's face, a la the Vulcan mind meld] 

  Pet Store Clerk : Okay.

  [barking and moaning] 

  Pet Store Clerk : I'm bored. I'm restless. Need change in life.

  [barking again] 

  Pet Store Clerk : Like imported leather leash... uh, blue contact lenses... 200-volt shock training collar.

  Homer Simpson : [cut to them driving home with the car filled with supplies]  Well, problem solved.

  Marge Simpson : [he "dusts off" his hands]  Homer, hold onto the wheel!

  Homer Simpson : You've got it.

• Bart : [Santa's Little Helper manages to squeeze through the cracked car window]  Hey!

  Homer Simpson : Don't worry. We'll catch him or run him over trying.

  Bart : Look, he's headed back to the greyhound racing track where we found him.

  Homer Simpson : Don't worry. As soon as they find out he doesn't have any money, they'll throw him out. Believe me, I know.

• Bart : Hey, look! A really small dog just fell out of Santa's girlfriend!

  Marge Simpson : Oh, my god! She's having babies! Oh, I'm sorry, girl. I thought you were just getting fat.

  Lisa : Look! It's twins!

  Homer Simpson : No, it's two sets of twins.

  Bart : Two sets of twins and a triplet.

  Marge Simpson : Homer! Homer, find a place for all these little miracles.

• Reverend Lovejoy : Oh, just lovely, Marge. The whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was. How nothing at all went wrong.

  Army Sergeant : Simpson, this evening has gone so flawlessly, I'm gonna forget that you were mistakenly let out of the army a month early.

  IRS Regional Director : I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening that there's no need for that audit.

  IRS Regional Director , Army Sergeant , Reverend Lovejoy : [standing and raising their glases]  A toast to the Simpsons.

  Army Sergeant : And to the delectable turkey...

  [it begins to roll around of its own accord] 

  Army Sergeant : ...that's walking around the table?

  Reverend Lovejoy : Dear Lord, it's a demon bird!

  [it cracks open, revealing two of the puppies inside; retching into their napkins, the guests all leave, then poke their heads back in one by one] 

  Army Sergeant : SimpSON! See you at reveille 0500 tomorrow.

  IRS Regional Director : See you at the IRS.

  Reverend Lovejoy : See you in hell! From heaven.

• Marge Simpson : [watching TV with the puppies, one gets on its hind legs and puts its paws on the screen]  Look at Branford II. Isn't that cute? He thinks he's one of the Models, Inc.

  [the family laughs; feeling left out, Snowball does the same thing] 

  Homer Simpson : Get that cat out of the way!

• Homer Simpson : Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies away.

  Bart , Lisa : NOOOOO!

  Homer Simpson : Mainly your mother.

  Lisa : Is that what we do in this family? When someone becomes an inconvenience, we just get rid of them?

  Grampa Simpson : [at the Retirement Castle, he picks up a silent phone receiver]  Hello? Is anybody there?

  [hanging up, dejected] 

  Grampa Simpson : Aw...