- [first lines]
- [the boys are standing at the bus stop, wearing gas masks]
- Kyle Broflovski: Remember when life used to be simple and cool?
- Eric Cartman: [after a pause] Not really.
- Kyle Broflovski: [the boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers] Uh... greetings, from, Canada. Well, Boys, it's "aboot" time we get back to our "hoose" in Canada, isn't it?
- Eric Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a goddam Canadian and neither are you!
- Stan Marsh: Cartman, you stupid asshole.
- Kyle Broflovski: [Cartman starts to follow Bin Laden] Cartman where are you going?
- Eric Cartman: I'm gonna go take care of this prick!
- Kyle Broflovski: Cartman he's crazy!
- Eric Cartman: He's not crazy he's an idiot, I know how to deal with these people
- Osama Bin Laden: [Talking on the phone after his base has been invaded by Americans] A flippity flappity floop! Jihad jihad!
- Eric Cartman: [Imitating Bugs Bunny while chewing on a donut] Meh, What's up Bin Laden?
- Osama Bin Laden: [In surprise] Arrrrrrrrrrrubadubaduba! Durka durka haq!
- Eric Cartman: [Looks at his watch] Uh oh 5:30 time to pray!
- [bowing on a rug]
- Eric Cartman: Allah, Allah, m'heh.
- Osama Bin Laden: Taba haqa?
- [Takes out his own rug and starts praying]
- Osama Bin Laden: Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah hakadurrpa durpa adurpa hagalah.
- Eric Cartman: [Takes out a mallet and hits him over the head, Bin Laden then gets up and points a gun at him] Uh oh!
- [kisses him and runs away]
- Eric Cartman: [while disguised as an Arab woman and sitting on a camel] Yoohoo!
- [Bin Laden turns in his direction and his eyeballs pop out of their sockets and his tongue rolls to the ground]
- Eric Cartman: Haduqaduqaduqa
- [Bin Laden pulls his tongue back in like window blinds]
- Eric Cartman: Huqadukadukadukadoo
- [Bin Laden whistles then howls like a wolf]
- Eric Cartman: [Bin Laden seemingly lunges for Cartman but grabs the camel instead whom he kisses repeatedly]
- Osama Bin Laden: [Proposing to the camel] Oh bella, bella falafel
- [Gives the camel some flowers]
- Osama Bin Laden: Mi amore, fatwa, fatwa
- [He then picks up the camel seats it at a table and serves it some wine]
- Osama Bin Laden: Ahh, de vino! Mi fatwa! J'ai une fatwa!
- [Cartman holds up signs of a screw and a baseball, a jack and a donkey, a pile of feces pointing at someone's head, a rooster and a lollipop, and Barbra Streisand]
- Kyle Broflovski: Dude, no wonder terrorists come from places like this. If I grew up here, I'd be pissed off, too.
- Kyle Broflovski: Going to Afghanistan? Trapped in a small space for 20 hours? How could things get any worse?
- [Cartman farts]
- Osama Bin Laden: [Bin Laden follows Cartman who's hiding under a bush which he takes off and points his gun at him] Ramadan!
- Eric Cartman: Hey look an infidel!
- Osama Bin Laden: What, Peitoqaba?
- [Cartman pulls down his pants and several magnifying glasses are placed over his genitalia revealing a very tiny penis]
- Eric Cartman: [holds up a sign that says "tiny ain't it?"] So that's what this is all about?
- Osama Bin Laden: [embarrassingly pulls up his pants then points his gun at Cartman] Ishta fatwa open sesame!
- Eric Cartman: [climbs into Bin Laden's arms and kisses him] Mmm tastes like chicken, the ass of a chicken!
- Osama Bin Laden: [angry] Proila foqabam!
- Eric Cartman: Woohoo!
- [zips away leaving a cloud of dust and Bin Laden chases after him]
- Eric Cartman: We're not the ones bombing them now. We're just kids. There's a lot of crazy stuff going on in the world, but we're just caught in the middle. It's not our fault.
- Wendy Testaburger: The Afghan kids are caught in the middle, too!
- Eric Cartman: Yes, but they're sand monkeys!