South Park (TV Series)
Sexual Harassment Panda (1999)
Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Mr. Garrison, Sexual Harassment Panda, Jingle Singer, Mr. Evans, Mr. Mackey, Employer, Kevin McCardy, Skeeter, Skeeter's Friend, Oinky the Run Around with Scissors Pig, Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon, Man in Court #1, Man in Court #3
Quotes
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Mr. Garrison : Now does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
[Cartman raises his hand]
Mr. Garrison : Yes, Eric?
Eric Cartman : When you're trying to have intercourse with a lady friend, and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
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[Stan, Cartman, and Kenny enter the bar]
Stan Marsh : Excuse me.
Bartender : Yeah, what can I do for you?
Stan Marsh : Somebody told us they saw a big panda bear in here.
Bartender : Big panda bear, big panda bear...
Skeeter : Hey! Eight-year-olds! We don't take kindly to your types in here!
Bartender : Now calm down, Skeeter. They ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter : No! I wanna know somethin' from Mr. 'I'm Eight Years Old' here. How come you types are always wearin' them funny padded shirts in the winter?
Stan Marsh : Coats?
Bartender : Now, Skeeter I don't want no trouble.
Skeeter's Friend : We don't take kindly to your types 'round here!
Stan Marsh : Dude, what the hell is going on?
Eric Cartman : Did you guys see a big panda bear in here or not?
Skeeter : We don't take kindly to panda bears!
Stan Marsh : Well we don't take kindly to you!
Skeeter's Friend : We don't take kindly to folks that don't take kindly 'round here.
Bartender : Kids, there was a panda bear in here. He said something about the Island of Misfit Mascots.
Eric Cartman : Where's that?
Bartender : If I'm not mistaken, it's over near the Jenkins' place.
Stan Marsh : Come on, we better hurry.
[the boys leave the bar]
Skeeter : Whoa! Look at her!
[Skeeter and his friends see a blonde woman across the bar]
Skeeter : Hey! Beautiful woman! We don't take kindly to your types 'round here!
Bartender : Now , Skeeter. She ain't hurtin' nobody.
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Sexual Harassment Panda : That makes me a saaaaaaaaad panda.
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Sexual Harassment Panda : [singing] Who lives in the east/ 'Neath a willer tree/ Sexual Harassment Panda.
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[Sexual Harassment Panda is at a bar, drinking and smoking while Skeeter and his friends stare at him]
Bartender : Another scotch?
[Bartender pours scotch in Panda's glass]
Skeeter : Hey! Panda Bear!
[Panda looks at Skeeter]
Skeeter : We don't take kindly to your types in here!
Bartender : Now calm down, Skeeter. He ain't hurtin' nobody.
Skeeter : No! I wanna know somethin' from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you eat bamboo, which is prone to grow only in drier and more arid regions?
Bartender : Skeeter, I don't want no trouble now.
Sexual Harassment Panda : It's okay. I get it. There's no room in the world for pandas. Well, you don't have to worry about me. I'm off to the Island of Misfit Mascots.
[Panda leaves the bar]
Bartender : Dammit, Skeeter. How come every time a panda bear come in here, you gotta go flappin' your jaw?
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Gerald Brofloski : Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Sexual Harassment Panda.
[Sexual Harassment Panda approaches the court]
Sexual Harassment Panda : [singing] Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? Sexual Harassment Panda.
Gerald Brofloski : Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual harassment to go on?
Sexual Harassment Panda : Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.
Gerald Brofloski : And who is to blame?
Sexual Harassment Panda : I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible.
[Gerald points toward the gallery]
Gerald Brofloski : There you have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!
Sexual Harassment Panda : Panda.
Gerald Brofloski : P-Panda's mouth.
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Judge Julie : Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?
Mr. Garrison : No, I had no friggin idea.
Gerald Brofloski : Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?
Mr. Garrison : Of course, and so does Mr. Hat! We do no tolerate sexual harassment!
Judge Julie : You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.
Mr. Garrison : I'm sorry, toots.
Gerald Brofloski : Did you or did you not hear my client being called an ass-sucker?
Mr. Garrison : Yes.
Gerald Brofloski : And you did nothing?
Mr. Garrison : He is a little ass-sucker.
[the gallery laughs]
Judge Julie : Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!
Mr. Garrison : Okay, baby, I'm sorry.
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Gerald Brofloski : Kids, are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a 'homo'? A 'farty pants'? A 'butt... face'? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you...
[Gerald shuts his briefcase]
Gerald Brofloski : ...close the lid on sexual harassment in school!
Principal Victoria : After a boy in class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle! Thank you, Kyle's dad!
[Clyde is on a yacht]
Clyde Donovan : Kyle's dad got me $1.4 million and he can do it for you too! Just look at all these beautiful girls!
Gerald Brofloski : So call me, Kyle's dad! Because it's not about money, it's about...
[pause]
Gerald Brofloski : Wait, what am I saying? Call me!
[Gerald jumps up for joy]
Gerald Brofloski : [Commercial jingle: Kids picking on you, well, don't be sad, just sue their asses with Kyle's dad!]
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Kevin McCardy : As sexual harassment lawsuits increase all over the state, the mother of all trials is set to begin. The sexual harassment case of Everyone vs. Everyone begins tomorrow. No matter what the outcome, the public schools are sure to lose at least a whopping $30 million. Representing the side of Everyone is Gerald Broflowski, the lawyer from South Park who plans to make quite a commission. Representing the side of Everyone Else is... Gerald Broflowski! So whatever the outcome, things look very bright for Kyle's dad. Personally, I think Kyle's dad is just a whore, taking advantage of everyone in town and...
[Kevin is handed a sheet of paper]
Kevin McCardy : This just in: Newscaster Kevin McCardy is being sued by Kyle's dad for slander! The newscaster has yet to be reached for comment!
[pause]
Kevin McCardy : Wait...
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[the boys arrive at the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune]
Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Hello there, boys.
Stan Marsh : Whoa, who are you?
Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : I'm Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm. Now you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?
Stan Marsh , Kyle Broflovski , Eric Cartman , Kenny McCormick : Yes.
[Willy grabs a white cane and puts on a pair of sunglasses]
Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : That can burn your retinas and make you blind.
[pause]
Stan Marsh : Thanks a lot, dude.
Oinky the Run Around with Scissors Pig : Oink, oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky the Run Around with Scissors Pig!
Eric Cartman : I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.
Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots.
Stan Marsh : Have you seen any panda bears?
Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Hmmm...
Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon : Hey kids. I'm Jimmy the Don't Hold On to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon.
Kyle Broflovski : What?
Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon : Here, watch!
[Jimmy gives Kenny a large magnet before turning on a giant electric fan. The fan blows air and pulls Kenny and the magnet towards it, slicing him into pieces]
Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon : See?
Stan Marsh : Oh my God! They killed Kenny!
Kyle Broflovski : You bastard! Hey, there he is!
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[the boys approach Sexual Harassment Panda at the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune]
Stan Marsh : Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to South Park quick!
Sexual Harassment Panda : Why?
Kyle Broflovski : Because everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all.
Sexual Harassment Panda : Seems all I do now is cause trouble.
Happy the Don't Do Stuff that Might Irritate Your Inner-Ear Badger : Hello kids. I'm Happy the Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner-Ear Badger.
[long pause as the boys stare at Happy]
Happy the Don't Do Stuff that Might Irritate Your Inner-Ear Badger : Well, I'll leave now.
Stan Marsh : Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.
Sexual Harassment Panda : But I'm just a panda.
Kyle Broflovski : No, you're not, dude! You're a guy in a panda costume!
[startled gasps from the other mascots]
Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Hey! I'm a real worm, pal!
Kyle Broflovski : Okay, Sorry, sorry.
Eric Cartman : Y-You're a real worm. T-That's cool. That's cool.
Stan Marsh : Okay, you are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new message that people will find useful again.
Sexual Harassment Panda : What message?
Kyle Broflovski : That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.
Sexual Harassment Panda : You know, you little cubs might just be right.
Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Yeah.
Sexual Harassment Panda : Okay!
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Sexual Harassment Panda : Hello, cubs. I'm Don't Sue People Panda, with an important message for you. Lawsuits damage our society. I know it's tempting to make money, but just remember, that money has to come from somewhere. And usually, it ends up hurting a lot of innocent people! So until next time, don't let frivolous sexual harassment lawsuits ruin our schools. Goodbye now!
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Gerald Brofloski : Your Honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments...
[the boys and Sexual Harassment Panda suddenly enter the court]
Kyle Broflovski : Wait!
Mr. Garrison : Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.
Stan Marsh : No. He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.
Sexual Harassment Panda : Hello, everyone. I'm Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda.
Jimbo Kern : 'Don't Sue People Panda'?
Skeeter : Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!
Bartender : Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.
Sexual Harassment Panda : Listen to me. When you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state... from you.
[pause]
Sexual Harassment Panda : There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities and put it in your own pockets. And that makes me a saaaad panda.
[long pause]
Man in Court #1 : I'm a sad panda too.
Man in Court #2 : I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault!
Man in Court #1 : Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!
[Everyone gets up in agreement]
Gerald Brofloski : No! Don't you see? The panda is right! Boy, what a great message he has. When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. I've really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me, and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools. They're too vague and too easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda.
Sexual Harassment Panda : Don't Sue People Panda.
Gerald Brofloski : Yeah, well, whatever. So let's not sue anyone again. Okay, come on guys, let's go get some ice cream!
Stan Marsh , Kyle Broflovski , Sexual Harassment Panda : Hooray!
Sexual Harassment Panda : Pandas love ice cream!
-
Judge Julie : Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?
Stan Marsh : What do you mean?
Judge Julie : I need to hear your defense.
Stan Marsh : Uh, I'm eight?
