South Park (TV Series)

Sexual Harassment Panda (1999)

Mary Kay Bergman: Judge Julie, Principal Victoria, School Board Woman

Quotes 

• Gerald Brofloski : Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being sexually harassed at your school?

  Principal Victoria : Well, not any more than any other student.

  Gerald Brofloski : Oh, so you admit that harassment goes on?

  Principal Victoria : I don't know!

  Gerald Brofloski : You don't know? You're the principal?

  Principal Victoria : I can't be around every second!

  Gerald Brofloski : So it does go on!

  Principal Victoria : Alright, alright. I killed him! I hit him over the head and cut up the body! I tried to burn it, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I had to do it!

  [Principal victoria sobs in panic] 

  Principal Victoria : Oh God!

  Gerald Brofloski : Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?

  [Principal Victoria stops crying] 

  Principal Victoria : I believe so, yes.

• Judge Julie : Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?

  Mr. Garrison : No, I had no friggin idea.

  Gerald Brofloski : Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?

  Mr. Garrison : Of course, and so does Mr. Hat! We do no tolerate sexual harassment!

  Judge Julie : You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.

  Mr. Garrison : I'm sorry, toots.

  Gerald Brofloski : Did you or did you not hear my client being called an ass-sucker?

  Mr. Garrison : Yes.

  Gerald Brofloski : And you did nothing?

  Mr. Garrison : He is a little ass-sucker.

  [the gallery laughs] 

  Judge Julie : Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!

  Mr. Garrison : Okay, baby, I'm sorry.

• Gerald Brofloski : Kids, are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a 'homo'? A 'farty pants'? A 'butt... face'? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you...

  [Gerald shuts his briefcase] 

  Gerald Brofloski : ...close the lid on sexual harassment in school!

  Principal Victoria : After a boy in class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle! Thank you, Kyle's dad!

  [Clyde is on a yacht] 

  Clyde Donovan : Kyle's dad got me $1.4 million and he can do it for you too! Just look at all these beautiful girls!

  Gerald Brofloski : So call me, Kyle's dad! Because it's not about money, it's about...

  [pause] 

  Gerald Brofloski : Wait, what am I saying? Call me!

  [Gerald jumps up for joy] 

  Gerald Brofloski : [Commercial jingle: Kids picking on you, well, don't be sad, just sue their asses with Kyle's dad!] 

• Judge Julie : Mr. Marsh, what do you have to say?

  Stan Marsh : What do you mean?

  Judge Julie : I need to hear your defense.

  Stan Marsh : Uh, I'm eight?