Kevin Connolly: Ryan Malloy

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Ryan Malloy : [re old dog rescued]  He won't eat. But maybe if you tried to feed him...

  Barbara Caufield : If I wanted to feed a flea-ridden, drooling old hound, I'd bring Mick Jagger a sandwich.

  Ryan Malloy : That's no way to talk about a superstar.

  Barbara Caufield : Mick Jagger is hardly a superstar.

  Ryan Malloy : No, I meant *the dog!* Don't you recognize him? He's Toby the Wonder Dog. He was Old Feller in the movie. You know, Old Feller. Remember they were gonna kill him because he outlived his usefulness, and then he did his famous look. Do it, boy! Come on! Do it! A-wooo!

  [all to no avail, it's clearly a case of mistaken dog identity] 

• Ryan Malloy : Oh, Tiff, you're gonna be famous! As famous as old Toby here.

  Tiffany Malloy : Yeah, maybe I can get tossed out of a Mercedes one day.

  Barbara Caufield : Been there, done that.

• Ryan Malloy : You know, it should be great watching Barbara on television. Everybody wins! She'll be rich and famous, and you'll always know that that should have been you.

  Tiffany Malloy : [to the camera]  Integrity gets thorny, kids!

• Tiffany Malloy : Remember when I was a little girl and you got turned down for that loan?

  Jack Malloy : Remember it? You mean the time I went for that bank loan so that I could invest in that little company called, oh, what was it? Something like... Oh, yeah, Microsoft. Yeah, for two thousand dollars, I would have owned twenty-five percent of the company. Yeah, I remember that now.

  Ryan Malloy : Dad, you're such a big loser, you probably would have brought the whole company down.

  Jack Malloy : For your information, I wasn't a loser *till then.* By now, we'd be so rich I'd get *you* into Harvard.

  Ryan Malloy : Well, that's rich, Dad, 'cause I'm dumber than a Kennedy!

  Tiffany Malloy : Well, today that same banker asked me to be their spokesperson, but because of the way they treated you, I'm gonna turn 'em down. Aren't you proud?

  Jack Malloy : [chuckles]  Yeah! Was it Gutman?

  Tiffany Malloy : [voice low]  It was Gutman.

  Jack Malloy : [laughs happily]  I can finally cross one name off my list of people I'm gonna get before I die.

  [has book handy] 

  Jack Malloy : Now, here we go. G, G... Here it is. John Goodman, Jenny Garafalo, Bee Gees... Here, J. Casper Gutman!

  [thumps book victoriously] 

• Ryan Malloy : [re the old dog]  He's like you, Dad, he likes some beer with his moldy cold cuts.

  Jack Malloy : [instantly up in arms]  He's drinking my beer?

  Ryan Malloy : Dad, he's a star. They drink.

  Jack Malloy : They also provide their friends with hoovers and premiere tickets, and I see no evidence of that! Now look, son, that dog is no star, and he's not Toby the Wonder Dog, and he's not staying here! Ross, for this one little moment I love you more than the dog, so, enjoy it, son!

  [Ross growls victoriously at the dog] 

  Jack Malloy : Ryan, I want you to find that drunken flea-motel a home.

  Ryan Malloy : Dad...! A-woo! Come on, Dad!

  [Tiffany enters, about to say something] 

  Jack Malloy : Hush! She speaks!

  Ryan Malloy : You know what, Dad? I'm starting to think you love *her* more than you love me!