- Veronica Mars: The thing that I can't stand is that I'm pretty sure there's a part of you that's having fun with all of this.
- Logan Echolls: Fun? Fun? My mom is dead! My girlfriend is dead! My dad is a murderer! And the only person I still care about is dumping me. You think I'm having fun?
- Logan Echolls: My sister is negotiating with networks to sell her version of the Aaron Echolls story. I think the sticking point is she's insisting she play herself. The producers, on the other hand, are insisting on Tara Reid.
- Veronica Mars: Trina wasn't even around!
- Logan Echolls: Who do you suppose cares? I always wanted a TV movie version of my life. Hey, you think they could get Tom Welling to play me?
- Veronica Mars: Dream on.
- Dick Casablancas: Ms. Dumbass!
- Ms. Dumas: It's Dumas, Dick.
- Dick Casablancas: Well, my name is pronounced Richarde, and it stinks back here. I think someone died.
- Ms. Dumas: You're free to sit closer to the front.
- Dick Casablancas: I don't think that's gonna help. Thanks anyway.
- Veronica Mars: Got any enemies you know about?
- Wallace Fennel: Well, there's the Klan.
- Veronica Mars: This is not really their M.O.
- Wallace Fennel: I guess that leaves everybody that hates you.
- Veronica Mars: When my dad finds out about this, he's not gonna let me wash this hand.
- Terrence Cook: So, who's your favorite player?
- Veronica Mars: Ummm...
- Duncan Kane: Tell him. Be honest.
- Terrence Cook: It's Johnny Damon, isn't it?
- Veronica Mars: He's so pretty.
- Veronica Mars: [Knocks on bathroom door] Are you done yet?
- Wallace Fennel: It is NEVER going to happen if you keep doing that!
- Veronica Mars: I see, stage fright? I'm making you nervous. Well, according to the box, we only need a few drops, and it'll test for cocaine, steroids, pot...
- Keith Mars: What's up, honey?
- Veronica Mars: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.
- Keith Mars: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?
- Veronica Mars: Um, this is a health class project. C'mon, you're a man. Can you give him some pointers?
- Keith Mars: Wallace?
- Wallace Fennel: Yep.
- Keith Mars: You try turning the water on?
- Wallace Fennel: Mm-hm.
- Keith Mars: Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.
- Wallace Fennel: AHHHHHHH, Man!
- Veronica Mars: You never played Little League?
- Duncan Kane: Oh, well, Mom was afraid a ball would hit me in the face, Dad was afraid it would interfere with Mock UN, and I was afraid I couldn't hit a curve ball.
- Veronica Mars: I'm afraid you're gonna get love handles if you eat all that.
- Duncan Kane: I have an excellent metabolism.
- Veronica Mars: Well then, it's official. I hate you.
- Keith Mars: What's up, honey?
- Veronica Mars: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.
- Keith Mars: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?