The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Summer (2000)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jim Trott : I was so excited, I made love to a Swedish journalist.

  Geraldine Granger : We know, Jim. We were chained to you at the time.

• Owen Newitt : [brainstorming on how to save Dibley from being replaced by a reservoir]  I've had another superb idea, Vicar... With this one there's an absolute minimum of sickening violence... We get Dibley classified as a site of natural environmental importance.

  Geraldine Granger : [sceptical]  Right, how do we do that?

  Owen Newitt : We find a species of animal that isn't found anywhere else in the world.

  Geraldine Granger : I think finding a new animal in Dibley is about as likely as finding intellectual life on Ibiza.

  Owen Newitt : That's just where you're wrong, Vicar. Dibley could be, for instance, the only place on earth with a genuine, 3-legged cow.

  Geraldine Granger : [amazed]  You've managed to breed a 3-legged cow?

  Owen Newitt : I'm very close. I've got a 4-legged cow and a sharp axe. That's where the small amount of sickening violence comes in.

• Jim Trott : [the Parish Council is discussing possibilities for the town's millennium statue]  My great, great, great, great, great grandfather, he was a famous man.

  Geraldine Granger : Really, Jim.

  Jim Trott : Oh, yes. He sailed the seven seas in search of gold and treasure.

  Geraldine Granger : Wow. What did he bring back?

  Jim Trott : Typhus.

• David Horton : Any ideas for the millennium statue?

  Geraldine Granger : Ooh, goodie, I've been looking forward to this. Glorious Dibley in all her glorious glory. Who's gonna go first?

  Owen Newitt : Ah, me. When you said famous people from Dibley's past, does that include murderers?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, I'd rather it wasn't a murderer, if that's all right with you, Owen.

  Owen Newitt : Right. Well, that's my family out, then.

• Geraldine Granger : There is now no animal left on Owen's farm with the correct number of legs.

• Jim Trott : If you'd like me to take over for a bit, you only have to say the word.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, that's very sweet of you, Jim. But no thank you. I'm determined to see this out till the press get here, even if it takes a week.

  Jim Trott : You wouldn't like just to go to the loo?

  Geraldine Granger : No thanks.

  Alice Horton : Look, she's amazing. She must have a bladder the size of Lake Titicaca. Not like me. My Mum only has to go "Tinker, Tinker" or

  [hisses] 

  Alice Horton : or

  [whistles] 

  Alice Horton : and I'm absolutely bursting!

  [Geraldine fidgets uncomfortably] 

  Geraldine Granger : Actually, sorry Jim, do you think you *could* take over?

  [Alice shuffles away, clutching a hand to her crotch] 

  Geraldine Granger : You've got a key, haven't you?

  [Jim rummages in his pockets for a key] 

• [Most of the parishioners are now chained to the church with the vicar, including baby Geraldine in her bouncer] 

  David Horton : Still here, eh?

  Geraldine Granger : Yes. Still standing firm, despite what you think!

  David Horton : I think, in the end, it's not a bad idea.

  [Unzips his jacket to reveal a 'SAVE DIBLEY' t shirt] 

  David Horton : Chain me up, Scotty!

  [Takes out two pairs of handcuffs from his pockets. The others cheer] 

• [the protesters have just finished singing You'll Never Walk Alone] 

  Geraldine Granger : Right. Your turn next, Frank. Only 6 hours to go before dawn, so make it a good 'un!

  Frank Pickle : I've got just the thing.

  [sings] 

  Frank Pickle : 100,000 green bottles, hanging on the wall; 100,000 green...

  [the others join in] 

  Geraldine Granger , Frank Pickle , Jim Trott , Hugo Horton , David Horton : [singing]  ... bottles hanging on the wall; And if one green bottle should accidentally fall; There'll be 99,999 green bottles hanging on the wall.

• Jim Trott : [Bringing in a clipboard with a petition]  I've got 500 this afternoon.

  Geraldine Granger : That's fantastic! All opposed to the reservoir?

  Jim Trott : No no no no, they didn't give a toss for the reservoir, but I asked them to sign if they thought that Claudia Schiffer should get her tits out more often.

  Geraldine Granger : Right.

  [Looks through the signatures] 

  Geraldine Granger : I see you've managed to sign it 10 times, Owen.

  Owen Newitt : It's a cause I feel very passionately about.

• David Horton : Vicar, much as I applaud your efforts, I fear we have to accept the compensation the water company offer us, however derisory that is.

  [Geraldine sighs] 

  Hugo Horton : Oh, I thought they offered you 4 million pounds?

  Jim Trott , Frank Pickle , Owen Newitt : [Shocked]  What?

  David Horton : Yes, well... um... do you think I'm happy about that?

  Hugo Horton : Well... you were dancing around the rose garden singing.

  David Horton : [Warningly]  Hugo.

  Hugo Horton : [singing and dancing]  Money money money; Must be funny...

  Owen Newitt : You treacherous git! You'd sacrifice this village for your own personal greed - have you no respect for tradition?

  Geraldine Granger : Well said, Owen!

  Owen Newitt : For centuries my family's been massacring deer, staging cockfights and gassing foxes in this valley, and we don't intend stopping now!

  Geraldine Granger : *Less* well said, Owen!

  David Horton : [Showing Owen a notebook]  Incidentally, this is what you'd be getting for your farm, by the way.

  [Owen's eyes widen] 

  Owen Newitt : [sings and dances]  Who wants to be a millionaire?

  [High pitched] 

  Owen Newitt : I do!

  [Speaking] 

  Owen Newitt : You're right, Dave - Dibley's a dump!

  Geraldine Granger : Oh, for goodness sakes, Owen! There are people here who don't own their own properties.

  [Indicates Jim and Frank] 

  Geraldine Granger : You know, they won't get any compensation at all.

  Owen Newitt : Well, sod 'em! *Now* will you sleep with me? I can pay you big time, babe!

• Alice Horton : It's the water company - they got your letter.

  Geraldine Granger : Hope it wasn't too rude.

  Alice Horton : They thought you'd like to know there's only one D in 'pederast'. And they're not sure that 'knob guzzler' is a real word.

• David Horton : You'll all be pleased to know that I have written a very strongly worded letter to the Chairman of the water company.

  Geraldine Granger : Oh bravo, mein Führer! What does it say?

  David Horton : Well, hold on to your hats. "Dear Sir Michael, Dibley has now been without water for a *fortnight*. Which is clearly... well, pretty well... you know, less than satisfactory."

  Geraldine Granger : Is that it?

  David Horton : That is pretty strong stuff to a Knight of the Realm!

  Geraldine Granger : Well, luckily I've written my *own* rather strongly worded letter to the Chairman.

  David Horton : *How* strongly worded?

  Geraldine Granger : Well, you'll see. "Dear Sir Useless Baboon's Bottom, I think you should know that down our way, you're about as popular as Judas Escariot at a Discipline Reunion."

  David Horton : And you think we should send that instead?

  Geraldine Granger : [Nods]  Mmm. Just as soon as I've checked if there's a hyphen in 'dickhead', yeah.

  David Horton : Well, I'm afraid you'll be outvoted. Who thinks that we should resort to counterproductive pointless personal abuse?

  [All the others raise their hands] 

  Jim Trott : Absolutely!

  David Horton : [sighs]  Oh, very well - be it on your own heads!

• [At a Council meeting, everyone is looking unkempt due to not having been able to wash or shave because of the drought] 

  David Horton : We'll try to keep this meeting short as the smell really is intolerable.

  Geraldine Granger : [Fanning herself]  Has one of us actually died and not realised?

  Jim Trott : I-I like having a beard. You keep finding bits of dinner in it. I-I can make a meal last an entire evening.

  [Picks something out of his beard] 

  Jim Trott : Delicious... interestimg combinations.

  [Eats it] 

  Jim Trott : Rhubarb... and grilled fish.

  [Owen enters] 

  Owen Newitt : Sorry I'm late. I made the mistake of going in my toilet this morning and it hasn't been flushed for ten days. I've only just regained consciousness.

• David Horton : As we all know, we've all been experiencing very hot weather.

  Jim Trott : I have taken to sleeping in the nude.

  Geraldine Granger : On the village green. we know, Jim, as do the police.