- Arthur Carlson: [about Mother Carlson's aged butler] Hirsch practically raised me.
- Carmen Carlson: I know Arthur.
- Arthur Carlson: I remember saying to Hirsch, "let's go out and throw that ball around", and Hirsch, old Hirsch, he'd say, "well, maybe later, Mr. Carlson".
- Carmen Carlson: [affectionately] It's hard to beat a memory like that.
- [Hirsch is serving Mother Carlson the cocktail she requested shaken not stirred]
- Lillian Carlson: Shaken?
- Hirsch: Yes, ma'am.
- Lillian Carlson: You're lying.
- Hirsch: If you say so, ma'am.
- Lillian Carlson: [under her breath] Thank you.
- Hirsch: No, thank you.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [beating Herb at monopoly] It's just a game, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: Oh, sure it is, for you, you're rich! You... you've got all the property. You've got the race car, I've got the wheelbarrow, and I haven't... I haven't passed Go in two hours, so don't tell me...!
- Jennifer Marlowe: [holds out her hand] Give me the money, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: I haven't got it! I've got eighteen dollars, everything is mortgaged!
- Bailey Quarters: Then you're out.
- Herb Tarlek: Out? I can't just go out. I mean... come on, gimme a break.
- Jennifer Marlowe: You're bankrupt, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: Please?
- Jennifer Marlowe: [little voice] What can I do?
- Bailey Quarters: Well... we could play strip monopoly. You could give us your coat, Herb.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Good, I'll take your coat.
- Bailey Quarters: Guess what item of apparel is next?
- Jennifer Marlowe: Whoo!
- Herb Tarlek: Is this what Women's Liberation is all about? Humiliation?
- Bailey Quarters: No. We just heard you had great legs.
- Herb Tarlek: [his ego stroked] Who told you?
- Bailey Quarters: Les.
- [Herb storms off]
- Bailey Quarters: [re Mr. Carlson] He and Carmen are getting married again.
- [giggles]
- Les Nessman: Why?
- Bailey Quarters: Because they eloped the first time.
- Herb Tarlek: [ever the old Scrooge] We have to buy gifts?
- Bailey Quarters: Oh, no, no. They wanna keep it small and simple.
- Les Nessman: We ought to do something. Mr. Carlson will appreciate it. Maybe a little party.
- Herb Tarlek: Bachelor party!
- Bailey Quarters: No, I don't think so, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: Oh, why not? I haven't been to one of those in years. Say what, I'll plan the whole thing, so you stay out of it, Les.
- Les Nessman: Huh?
- Herb Tarlek: I'll handle everything. Wildly exclusive. Cap! Got to think of something out of the ordinary. Something... uniquely unique.
- Bailey Quarters: [gingerly] I, uh, I trust you'll plan something tasteful, huh, Herbie?
- [goes off]
- Herb Tarlek: What else would I do?
- [scoffs, then gets struck by his unique idea:]
- Herb Tarlek: Strippers! Gotta have strippers!