- Bailey Quarters: Herb has a sick frog.
- Les Nessman: I beg your pardon?
- Bailey Quarters: [suppressing a giggle] Well... well it seems that this frog... Herb, you better tell him.
- Herb Tarlek: [getting up from his desk carrying the shoebox containing the frog] His name's Greenpeace, Les... and he's pink, so don't look at him and tell me he's pink, 'cause I already told you he's pink, okay? I accidentally spray painted him. There he is.
- [Herb takes the lid off the shoebox which he hands to Les, who looks long and hard inside]
- Les Nessman: Ooooooh. He's pink!
- Les Nessman: Venus, surely you must know some sort of black thing. You know what I'm saying?
- Venus Flytrap: A black thing?
- Les Nessman: Yes, you know, some sort of plantation voodoo thing that helps get paint off a frog.
- Venus Flytrap: [long pause] A what?
- Herb Tarlek: Venus, listen, how do you get paint off a frog?
- Venus Flytrap: [grins] I don't know, how *do* you get paint off a frog?
- [Les has giving Johnny a series of physical diagnostic tests]
- Dr. Johnny Fever: What's wrong with me, Les?
- Les Nessman: [nervously] Probably just a simple cold... You should see a doctor, John. If not now, at least by noon.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Why?
- Les Nessman: I'm a newsman, not a neurologist, John.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: This morning, I think I'm dying, all anybody around here can think about is this frog. A pink frog! I'm a human being, you know. It's like the movies though: you can waste the entire Confederate army, nobody cares. 395,000 deader than doornails, but kill one collie, everybody collapses in grief.
- Dr. Hunnisett: What's wrong with him?
- Les Nessman: Schistosomiasis!
- Dr. Hunnisett: [shocked] Really?
- Herb Tarlek: [about the sick frog] Well, he's pink, Andy. So don't look at him and tell me he's pink, because I already told you he's pink, okay? I accidentally spray painted him. There he is.
- [Herb takes the lid off the shoebox which he hands to Andy]
- Andy Travis: You did what?
- Herb Tarlek: I spray-painted him.
- Andy Travis: You painted your car?
- Herb Tarlek: [shaking his head negatively] Cabinets.
- Andy Travis: Oh, good. What's his name?
- Herb Tarlek: Greenpeace.
- Andy Travis: Looks like Pinkpeace.
- [Bailey starts to laugh uncontrollably]
- Herb Tarlek: My daughter named him after the people who, you know, go around saving little baby seals and whales and stuff. I mean, she's just a little kid, but she's an environmentalist.
- Bailey Quarters: I think that's wonderful, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: Well, Bailey, don't you see how bad this is gonna look? I mean, I've almost killed this innocent product of nature with toxic chemicals. My daughter's gonna hate me forever.
- Herb Tarlek: [as Bailey looks into the box] He's not dead, Bailey, he's just resting, that's... that's all.
- Bailey Quarters: I know. I did not say he was dead, Herb, I just said he looks a little pathetic.
- [pokes at frog]
- Bailey Quarters: Won't the paint come off?
- Les Nessman: [entering] Morning.
- Bailey Quarters: Morning, Les. Herb has a sick frog.
- Les Nessman: I beg your pardon?
- Bailey Quarters: Well, he...
- [tries to stifle laughter]
- Bailey Quarters: Uh, it seems that this frog...
- [can't help giggling]
- Bailey Quarters: Herb, you'd better tell him.
- [giggles some more]
- Herb Tarlek: [gets up from desk, brings shoe-box] His name's Greenpeace, Les, and he's pink. So don't look at him and tell me he's pink, because I already told you he's pink, okay? I accidentally spray-painted him. Here he is.
- Les Nessman: Hmm. He's pink! Hi, there, Greenpeace, you look like a cute little froggie.
- [notices:]
- Les Nessman: He doesn't move around much.
- Bailey Quarters: He's a very sick frog, Les.
- Les Nessman: Oh, I see. What shall we do?
- Herb Tarlek: I don't want to hear it, Les.
- Les Nessman: Why?
- Herb Tarlek: It's bad luck to take advice from insane people.
- Les Nessman: I've never heard that.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Andy's right, Herb. Tell her the truth. The frog is dead, and death is the natural unavoidable conclusion to all things.
- Bailey Quarters: You know, Herb, I guess, I guess we all think about death. I went to the beach this summer, and I watched the waves. Now, a wave is a wave, but only for a second, and then it's over. But the water continues to exist. It's just not a wave anymore.
- Arthur Carlson: It's... it's a lovely thought, I...
- Bailey Quarters: Thank you.
- Herb Tarlek: Well, it's getting pretty heavy for me around here. I think I'll just go on home.
- Bunny Tarlek: [looks into box] Hello, new frog. Welcome to my room. I think you're gonna like it here. But stay away from my Daddy.
- [first lines]
- Jennifer Marlowe: Good morning, Herb.
- Herb Tarlek: [carries shoe-box, looks miserable] Hmm.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Is something wrong?
- Herb Tarlek: Uh, yeah, something's wrong.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Could I help, you know, without really getting involved?
- Herb Tarlek: No, I don't think so.
- [shuffles off]
- Jennifer Marlowe: Okay.
- Herb Tarlek: [turns back] Could I show you something?
- Jennifer Marlowe: [warily] I guess...
- [he places shoe-box on desk]
- Jennifer Marlowe: Why do you have that?
- Herb Tarlek: I, uh, think it's dying.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [looks inside] It's pink!
- Herb Tarlek: I know.
- Jennifer Marlowe: It's a pink frog!
- Herb Tarlek: Uh, Greenpeace. It's my, uh, daughter Bunny's pet frog, and I accidentally sprayed him. I was spray-painting the interior of the kitchen cabinets. And I accidentally sprayed him.
- [Jennifer is trying very hard to hide that she's laughing]
- Herb Tarlek: Something funny?
- Jennifer Marlowe: No!
- Herb Tarlek: That's one... one hell of a frog there.
- Jennifer Marlowe: I know it is!
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [entering] Jennifer, got any aspirin?
- Jennifer Marlowe: We're out.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [exclaims] How about morphine?
- Herb Tarlek: Great God, what is wrong with you?
- Dr. Johnny Fever: I have a headache. What is this?
- [looks into box]
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Funny frog.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Herb painted him pink.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: New hobby?
- Herb Tarlek: It was an accident! I mean, I didn't mean to. I was, I was spraying, and he just sort of jumped in my way, you know how a frog will do that sometime, they sort of jump in your way.
- Dr. Johnny Fever: Pink's the wrong color.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Oh, I'm sorry, Herb, I really am.
- Herb Tarlek: I... I nearly killed my daughter's favorite pet.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Well, maybe we can do something. Here, let me see him again.
- Herb Tarlek: Okay.
- Jennifer Marlowe: [looks inside box] He's not moving.
- Herb Tarlek: What? Don't... don't say that.
- Jennifer Marlowe: Well, he's not.
- Herb Tarlek: Well, do something. Do, do something!
- Jennifer Marlowe: I don't know what to do.
- Herb Tarlek: What? What? He... he needs water!
- Jennifer Marlowe: Oh, he's not moving at all!
- Herb Tarlek: [grabs pot filled with hot water, intended for coffee] Stand back! Stand back!
- Jennifer Marlowe: Watch out, Herb, that's hot!
- [in his panic, it slips out of his hand, sails across office, drops in front of Mr. Carlson's as he enters]