- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: [Toby has just arranged for an honor guard at the funeral of a homeless vet] Toby, If we start pulling strings like this don't you think every homeless veteran will come out of the woodwork?
- Toby Ziegler: I can only hope so, sir.
- Leo McGarry: [Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why do I care if he has a merry Christmas?
- Margaret: Just sign the damn thing.
- Dolores Landingham: [Toby is leaving to go to the funeral he arranged] Toby? I'd like to come along.
- C.J. Cregg: What's your secret service code name?
- Sam Seaborn: They just changed it.
- C.J. Cregg: I know. What's yours?
- Sam Seaborn: Princeton.
- C.J. Cregg: Mine's "Flamingo".
- Sam Seaborn: That's nice.
- C.J. Cregg: No, it's not nice.
- Sam Seaborn: Flamingo's a nice-looking bird.
- C.J. Cregg: A flamingo is a ridiculous-looking bird.
- Sam Seaborn: You're not ridiculous-looking.
- C.J. Cregg: I know I'm not ridiculous-looking.
- Sam Seaborn: Any way for me to get out of this conversation?
- C.J. Cregg: I'm going to talk to someone.
- Sam Seaborn: Excellent.
- Leo McGarry: You saw Sam's friend?
- Sam Seaborn: How did you know?
- Leo McGarry: I had you tailed.
- Josh Lyman: You had us tailed?
- Leo McGarry: Yes.
- Sam Seaborn: Why did you have us tailed?
- Leo McGarry: On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look.
- Mandy Hampton: This might seem trivial under the circumstances...
- Toby Ziegler: What?
- Mandy Hampton: The Santa hats do clash with the Dickensian costumes.
- Toby Ziegler: It *might* seem trivial?
- Josh Lyman: Where are you going?
- President Josiah Bartlet: To a place called "Rare books." You know what they sell?
- Josh Lyman: Fishing tackle?
- President Josiah Bartlet: You know, Zoey is starting Georgetown in two weeks. I was thinking about getting this for her - "The Nature of Things, a Didascalic Poem" translated from the Latin of Titus Lucretius Carus. What do you think?
- Charlie Young: I think she would like that better than a new stereo, sir.
- Donna Moss: I prepared a list.
- Josh Lyman: Of Christmas gift suggestions?
- Donna Moss: Yes.
- Josh Lyman: [reading from the list] Ski pants, ski boots, ski hat, ski goggles, ski gloves, ski poles. I'm assuming you already have skis?
- Toby Ziegler: It's not the new millennium, but I'll just let it drop.
- Sam Seaborn: It is.
- Toby Ziegler: It is not the new millennium. The year 2000 is the last year of the millennium, it's not the first year of the next one.
- Sam Seaborn: But the common sensibility, to quote Stephen Jay Gould...
- Toby Ziegler: Stephen Jay Gould needs to look at a calendar.
- Sam Seaborn: Gould says this is a largely unresolvable issue.
- Toby Ziegler: Yes, it's tough to resolve. You have to look at a calendar.
- [...]
- Sam Seaborn: You've got to ask yourself which is more exciting - watching your car roll over from 99,999 to 100,000 or watching it go from one hundred to a hundred and one.
- C.J. Cregg: So technically the millennium is still a year away.
- Sam Seaborn: Yeah, but... we've made all these plans.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: Ooh... The Fables of Phaedrus... 1886... first edition, red leather label, gilt leathering, engraved frontis. Phaedrus, you know, who was a slave, but later granted his freedom by Augustus, wrote his animal fables in iambic verse.
- Leo McGarry: Well, nothing says Christmas like animal fables in iambic verse.
- President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet: That's what I say.
- Josh Lyman: A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now, if our tactics seem less than civilized, it's because so are our attackers. We don't need your cooperation, Laurie. One of your guys wrote you a check, and the IRS works for me. And anyway, I don't feel like standing here, taking a civics lesson from a hooker.
- Sam Seaborn: Josh...
- Josh Lyman: Here's one.
- Mandy Hampton: One what?
- Josh Lyman: A book which, if I was stuck with it on a desert island, I still wouldn't read it. "The Adventures of James Capen Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California." I believe I would eat this book before I read it.