- Helen Chapel: [Helen finds see-through lingerie in Davis's luggage] Oh God, I hope this is not for me.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Maybe he bought it for another woman, the bastard.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Maybe it's for him, the bitch.
- Antonio Scarpacci: Wait wait wait, I don't understand. You're mad because he gave you a gift you did not want?
- Helen Chapel: No, he gave me a perfectly nice gift.
- Antonio Scarpacci: Ah, I see. So you're mad because he did not give you a gift you DID want.
- Helen Chapel: No, I'm mad 'cause he didn't give me the teddy.
- Antonio Scarpacci: But I thought you did not want the teddy.
- Helen Chapel: I didn't.
- Antonio Scarpacci: So you didn't get it, so you should be happy. But you're not, you're furious.
- Helen Chapel: Exactly.
- Antonio Scarpacci: I've got to get off of this ride.
- Davis Lynch: Look Joe, I know I'm not exactly your favorite person.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: I never said that.
- Davis Lynch: Boy, I would have! I didn't invest in your business, I'm dating your old girlfriend, I'd hate my guts.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Well maybe we do have something in common.
- Helen Chapel: [Helen is going through Davis's luggage] He brought me a present!
- Alex Lambert: Helen, you shouldn't open that.
- Helen Chapel: Yes, I'm gonna open it. That way I know how to reciprocate. You know, cover my butt.
- [Helen opens the package and finds see-through lingerie]
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Well that's certainly not gonna do it.
- Brian Michael Hackett: [to Helen, about Davis] This guy cannot win. First you're mad at him because he wants you to be dirty. Now you're mad at him because he wants you to be clean?
- Davis Lynch: [about the teddy he bought for Helen] I saw it in Paris, and it was so beautiful I wanted you to have it. But then I realized it's too soon for me to give you a gift like that. So I decided to wait.
- Helen Chapel: Really?
- Davis Lynch: Well yeah. I mean there's a protocol to gift-giving. I didn't want to rush it.
- Helen Chapel: So, when were you planning on giving it to me?
- Davis Lynch: I don't know. Probably somewhere around date... 10 or 12?
- Helen Chapel: [tearing up] Right after monogrammed stationery?
- Davis Lynch: Yeah, but before precious metals.
- Helen Chapel: When you're dating someone, there is a specific order to gift-giving. First date: flowers, right? Second date: stuffed animal,
- [Helen holds her hands close together]
- Helen Chapel: no bigger than this. Fourth date, a little more personal: key chain, perhaps. Sixth date, all right we're getting to know each other. Now you can get a little more intimate: gloves.
- Alex Lambert: She's not serious.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Oh yes, she is. When we were dating, I screwed up someplace around key chain. I had to go all the way back to flowers.
- Brian Michael Hackett: [looking at the minibar in a hotel room] Aw baby, I love this: $17.50 for macadamia nuts.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: You know, that's obscene. What kind of sucker would pay that kind of money for junk food?
- Davis Lynch: [from the shower] Help yourself to anything you want out there!
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Yo Brian, toss me those nuts.
- Antonio Scarpacci: I've never really gotten excited from wearing women's lingerie.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Wait a second, Antonio. I think you're getting caught in one of those language things. What you meant to say is that you never really got excited seeing WOMEN wearing lingerie.
- Antonio Scarpacci: [Awkward pause] ... Oh yes, of course.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: [Joe approaches Faye carrying a rat in a cage] Faye, what is this?
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Oh, that's my rat. I kidnapped her from the psychology lab.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: [pondering] ... Oookay. Get away clean now, or... ah, what the hell. Go ahead.
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: My instructor promised that she would only be used for a few harmless experiments. But he lied.
- Lowell Mather: Eh, they always lie. First they suck you in with the free milk and cookies. Next thing you know, you're running naked through a maze.
- Brian Michael Hackett: [looking at Davis's suitcase] You know you can tell an awful lot about a person from what's in their suitcase.
- Helen Chapel: Hey. Brian don't!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Oh, c'mon Helen. Here, look at this, check this out. Cashmere sweaters, means he's got money...
- Alex Lambert: Armani ties, he's got taste...
- Brian Michael Hackett: Tell you what else he's got.
- [Brian pulls a slinky from the suitcase]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Way too much time on his hands.