Caroline Dhavernas: Jaye Tyler

Quotes 

• Sharon Tyler : You are a man-eater.

  Jaye Tyler : You lie.

  Sharon Tyler : Do you have any idea how many of your discarded boyfriends I ended up consoling when I lived at home? Yuri, that exchange student from Prague, still writes to me. So whoever this new guy is, please do not give him my phone number when the inevitable happens.

  Jaye Tyler : What if I gave his wife your number instead?

  Sharon Tyler : He is married?

  Jaye Tyler : Only technically. But I'm sure you could take care of that. You could recruit her in your lesbian lifestyle, like you did Beth.

  Sharon Tyler : I did not recruit her.

  Jaye Tyler : [seeing Thomas the delivery guy come in]  Oh, look. Isn't that your girlfriend's husband now? Boy, this is gonna be awkward, huh?

• Jaye Tyler : [on the phone with Eric]  They've left some seeds in my hair. And a feather. But you were very gallant.

  Sharon Tyler : [coming in]  Prescription.

  Jaye Tyler : [hanging up]  I have to go.

  Sharon Tyler : The folks are going out of town and asked me to drop it by. Mom said to be sure to take it with food.

  Jaye Tyler : It's a topical ointment.

  Sharon Tyler : [inspecting the cuts on her forehead]  She thinks you're too thin. How did you do that to yourself, anyway?

  Jaye Tyler : I was on a date.

  Sharon Tyler : Did you report the bastard? You cannot let a guy get away with that. Think of the next woman.

  Jaye Tyler : I am the next woman. He didn't do this to me. In fact, he was great. Wow. You really are a man-hater.

• Eric Gotts : [kissing with Jaye]  You taste good.

  Jaye Tyler : I do?

  Eric Gotts : Mm-hmm. You know, I read this thing about saliva and saliva compatibility. If someone tastes good, they have compatible saliva. If someone tastes bad, um, you probably shouldn't be kissing them.

  Jaye Tyler : [a zoo worker shushes them]  I love how you brought me to the zoo for our first official date. All the animals are safely penned, and none of them talk.

• Jaye Tyler : This all must seem a little odd, but, um, as a person who champions love at every turn, I'm here to say that it really isn't...

  Eric Gotts : I don't think it's odd.

  Jaye Tyler : You don't?

  Eric Gotts : It's the most romantic thing I've ever heard of.

  Jaye Tyler : Really? My love-saving nature doesn't bother you?

  Eric Gotts : Define "bother".

  Jaye Tyler : Well, just so you know, this isn't an isolated incident. Things like bird attacks and abduction happen to me all the time. And if it's not birds, it's a lion or a monkey, and then there's that fish.

  [Eric kisses her] 

  Jaye Tyler : What I'm trying to say is that there is constant interruption.

  [kissing again] 

  Jaye Tyler : I don't scare you?

  Eric Gotts : Only in a good way.

• Mahandra McGinty : You're using these birds to avoid Eric. Why?

  Jaye Tyler : Because... I'm a snowy owl love killer. I'm a man-eater. I just... I was hoping things would be different with Eric. I thought maybe I could just nibble. But a natural predator can't just nibble.

  Mahandra McGinty : Oh, my God, Jaye. You cannot do this to him. You promised.

  Jaye Tyler : I know. I'm trying to save him... by avoiding him, so I could be with him. But I can't go near him or I'll destroy him. So if I could just manage to stay away from him, then maybe we could be together. Please don't repeat that back to me.

  Mahandra McGinty : Look, you have got to nip this in the bud right now. Just get it over with. Show some mercy. Take him out into the woods and put one painlessly in the back of his head.

  Jaye Tyler : It's such a cute head.

  Mahandra McGinty : Cap him.

• Sharon Tyler : [with a child's shoe]  I came as soon as I found out about the missing children.

  [to Penelope] 

  Sharon Tyler : Are you their mother? Oh, those poor babies. We will find them.

  Aaron Tyler : They're birds.

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah, I, uh, probably shouldn't have said "babies" so much as... birds. It's a "B" word.

  Sharon Tyler : I can think of another "B" word. If you see a wolf, don't bother to call me.

• Penelope : Please no flash photography in the aviary. I said it three times.

  Jaye Tyler : I'm sorry.

  Penelope : The birds are traumatized. And now they have nobody to talk to.

  Jaye Tyler : Those birds talk?

  Penelope : They talk to me. You wouldn't understand.

  Jaye Tyler : I wish I didn't.

  Penelope : Those birds are in the infancy of their relationship. The bond is very delicate. And now they're migrating towards extinction like it's northwestern Paraguay, thanks to you.

  Jaye Tyler : Hey, I'm the one who has to put on topical ointment.

  Penelope : The female reacted defensively. She saw a flash of white. I'm sure she thought you were a snowy owl. And she's not gonna be presenting herself for mating if she thinks she's being attacked by a snowy owl. Those poor birds. You killed their love. You really are a snowy owl.

• Eric Gotts : [sneaking into the zoo after-hours]  So, this isn't really a private showing, is it?

  Jaye Tyler : Uh, no. Not so much a private show as a federal offense. We're here to steal an endangered species and then force them to have sex.

  Penelope : Not stealing. Liberating.

• Jaye Tyler : Love killer. Can you believe that?

  Mahandra McGinty : You're not a snowy owl.

  Jaye Tyler : And I'm not a love killer.

  [seeing Mahandra's look] 

  Jaye Tyler : What?

  Mahandra McGinty : Well, actually, the bird lady's kind of right about that. Well, half-right. You don't just kill love. You stalk it, you toy with it, then you kill it. You're the huntress, and love is your prey.

  [indicating Eric] 

  Mahandra McGinty : I mean, look at him.

  Jaye Tyler : I am.

  Mahandra McGinty : Like a wounded gazelle. Run, little gazelle, run. There's danger at the watering hole.

  Jaye Tyler : That's crazy. He's not a gazelle. He's more like a fuzzy bunny. I don't kill fuzzy bunnies.

  Mahandra McGinty : Fuzzy love bunnies. You're in the toying stage. I can almost hear that clicking noise my cat makes.

  Jaye Tyler : It's not serious enough for there to be toying. We've only just found out our saliva's compatible. There's no love to kill yet.

  Mahandra McGinty : What did you just say?

  Jaye Tyler : Saliva?

  Mahandra McGinty : Yet. You said "yet". Three little letters and the most romantic thing I've ever heard fly out of your mouth. And also the most terrifying. It's the sound of a fuse being lit.

  Jaye Tyler : It is not.

  Mahandra McGinty : Better not be. After everything that boy's been through, I don't think his heart can take that... thing you do.

• Aaron Tyler : Who's mating?

  Jaye Tyler : The birds.

  Aaron Tyler : [seeing them in their makeshift cage]  Did the cow creamer tell you to do this?

  Jaye Tyler : No. The stuffed donkey did.

• Jaye Tyler : [mucking an elephant pen, poop is thrown at Penelope]  Ew. Did that monkey just throw its food at you?

  Penelope : In a way.

  Jaye Tyler : Good arm.

• Eric Gotts : [not really listening to a zoo tour guide]  What was that about not mating?

  Muse : [speaking to Jaye through a bird on a billboard]  Take a picture. It'll last longer.

  Jaye Tyler : I can't.

  Eric Gotts : Huh? Why? What are you afraid of?

  Jaye Tyler : Afraid? I'm not afraid.

  Muse : Take a picture. Take a picture. Take a picture.

  Jaye Tyler : Though maybe you should be.

  Eric Gotts : Why would I be afraid of you?

  Muse : Take a picture. It'll last longer. It'll last longer. Take a picture.

  Jaye Tyler : [reluctantly]  All right, all right. God.

  [going over to a group of tourists, she takes one's camera and randomly snaps the lens] 

  Jaye Tyler : Happy?

  [startled by the camera flash, a macaw attacks her] 

  Jaye Tyler : Whoa! Ow! Get... ow!

• Eric Gotts : This is so romantic, coming back to the zoo. Picking up our date where we left off.

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah.

  Eric Gotts : Uh, but you, uh, don't maybe wanna come back when it's open? I'm pretty sure sneaking in's against the law.

  Penelope : We answer to a higher law.

  Eric Gotts : We do?

  Jaye Tyler : Love. Love is our higher law. And we're here to save it. Not that it was ever in any danger from me.

• Rufus : Do you know what happens when a fairy's wings lose their dust? The fairy dies, that's what.

  Jaye Tyler : [assuming he's just a random weirdo]  Restrooms are for customers only.

  Rufus : No, I don't have to use the bathroom. Uh, well, I do, actually, but that's not why I'm here. I'm Rufus. Remember? I work at the zoo with Penelope.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, the bird lady?

  Rufus : The elephant lady now.

  Jaye Tyler : Huh?

  Rufus : Because of you, they've got her mucking out the elephant pen. She's banned from the aviary. They say she can't control the birds.

  Jaye Tyler : I'm sorry.

  Rufus : Oh, she... she was the fairy from, like I was saying, and the birds... well, the birds, they're the dust in her wings.

  Jaye Tyler : Look, zoo guy, sometimes these things happen for a reason. Being moved to the elephant pen could just be the best thing that's ever happened to her.

  Rufus : No, it's not. It's the worst thing. Those birds were her life and she theirs. Without her, they'll... they'll die.

  Jaye Tyler : I'm sure the birds will be fine.

  Rufus : No. No, they won't be. Those birds are endangered, and she was trying to get them to breed. Without her, their love will die.

  Muse : [opening a package, Jaye sees two stuffed animals in the shape of donkeys]  Save the lovebirds.

  Rufus : You have to do something.