Thirtysomething (TV Series)

The Parents Are Coming (1987)

Ken Olin: Michael Steadman

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hope Murdoch Steadman : I'm far more concerned with getting this death trap of a house baby-proofed so my daughter can survive long enough to say horrible things about me.

  Michael Steadman : See, we basically have two problems: baby-proofing and parent-proofing. I can get all the latches in the world, but how am I gonna find an acceptable sofa, new wallpaper for the dining room, and napkin rings by 6:00 tonight?

  [a though strikes him] 

  Michael Steadman : Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

  Ellyn Warren : What?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : [Michael points to the ceiling]  The bathroom. Well, that's it. Then they can't come.

  Michael Steadman : That's it.

  Ellyn Warren : What? What are you talking about?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, the other bathroom is all ripped up. We're putting in new fixtures. They're gonna have to stay in our bedroom.

  Michael Steadman : No way.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : You don't expect them to use the bathroom that has no plumbing.

  Michael Steadman : Honey, they can use our bathroom. What bathroom are we gonna use?

  Ellyn Warren : You guys, why don't they go to a hotel?

  [Hope and Michael roar with laughter] 

• Hope Murdoch Steadman : [asking Michael to watch Janey]  Why did you give up so easily?

  Michael Steadman : What do you mean? You didn't wanna go?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Are you crazy? Why would I want to go shopping with my mother?

  Michael Steadman : But then why didn't you say something?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : What was I supposed to say?

  Michael Steadman : That you didn't wanna go.

• Gary Shepherd : You paid how much for this?

  Michael Steadman : The question is not "Can this be done?". The question is "What can be done by 6:00 tonight?"

  Gary Shepherd : You know, plumbers get 25 an hour. Of course, I only get 15 an hour for teaching, but, uh, society has its priorities in order. So, which pay scale do you want? You can pick either one.

  Michael Steadman : We can get the sink working by then, can't we? And the toilet and the bathtub? Okay, forget the bathtub. Just the showerhead.

  Gary Shepherd : All right, all right. It's not because I love you. You understand that? You just happen to be the only person I can consistently humiliate at squash.

  Michael Steadman : 21-19 is humiliation?

  Gary Shepherd : It would be for me.

  Michael Steadman : Excuse me. We were tied 19 all.

  Gary Shepherd : And you choked. You lost it. You had no taste for the jugular.

• Hope Murdoch Steadman : [in her nursery, Janey accidentally knocks over a lamp]  That could have hit her on the head. She could have pulled on the cord and been electrocuted. The bulb could have smashed and cut her face. Toxic chemicals could have scarred her for life.

  Michael Steadman : Shh. Listen, an asteroid almost hit the Earth an hour ago, only nobody knew because it missed.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : That's supposed to make me feel better?

• Michael Steadman : [learning Hope's parents are visiting]  When?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : In two days.

  Michael Steadman : Oh, no. Two days?

  [to a dry-cleaned dress hanging in plastic] 

  Michael Steadman : Ruth, how was the trip? Humiliate any flight attendants?

  [to a collared shirt hanging on its hook] 

  Michael Steadman : Ted, how's retirement? Feel useless?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Couldn't we just move away before they get here?

  Michael Steadman : No.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : They were just here.

  Michael Steadman : Eight months ago for two days.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, that's what I mean.

  Michael Steadman : Honey, they want to see their grandchild a couple of times before she goes to graduate school.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Where is she?

  Michael Steadman : She's in there. She's putting blocks together like she's not supposed to for another 14 months. No, wait a minute. Is it 14 months? I'm gonna check Penelope Leach.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : The only time you ever check those books is when you want to gloat about how advanced she is.

  Michael Steadman : Well, isn't that what they're for?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : WHY ARE MY PARENTS COMING?

  Michael Steadman : To tell you you're not advanced enough.

• Michael Steadman : It's only your parents. They really do love you. It's not just propaganda.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Yeah, they love me, but they don't love anything I do.

  Michael Steadman : Oh, they love Janey. You were vaguely involved with doing that.

• Michael Steadman : [for a visit from Hope's parents, Gary helps with repairs in their guest bathroom]  Well?

  Gary Shepherd : Hey, no problem, man. We'll have it done by tomorrow night. We're missing that little squiggle.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : Oh, excuse me. What? Tomorrow? This is not happening.

  Gary Shepherd : Sorry, lady. We don't have the part. See what happens when you go non-union?

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : That's it, I'm going. Tell them I cracked up. Tell them I live in a cave. Tell me when they leave.

  Michael Steadman : [she leaves and closes the front door]  Are you really my friend?

  Gary Shepherd : Yes.

  Michael Steadman : Kill me.

  Hope Murdoch Steadman : [coming back]  Where's my daughter?

• Michael Steadman : Don't kill me.

  Gary Shepherd : I'm waiting.

  Michael Steadman : You know that really cute aerobics instructor? I hear she's great at squash.

  Gary Shepherd : I'm not hearing this.

  Michael Steadman : No, listen, we're talking major death around here. It's their last night in town.

  Gary Shepherd : They can come. We'll play doubles.

  Michael Steadman : Yeah. I knew you'd understand.

  Gary Shepherd : Goodbye, Michael.

  Michael Steadman : Wait, wait, wait. Are you angry?

  Gary Shepherd : No, I'm not mad. I just have to give a lecture in four minutes, and I still have to decide what it's about.