- Daria Morgendorffer: So... what happens now?
- Jane Lane: I was hoping you knew.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Are we still friends?
- [Jane doesn't answer]
- Daria Morgendorffer: Are we?
- Jane Lane: Yeah. We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Temporarily, right?
- Jane Lane: I hope so, Daria.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Why is everyone so mad at me?
- Daria Morgendorffer: Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up!
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me?
- Daria Morgendorffer: Exactly.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: All right then.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Okay.
- [they kiss]
- Daria Morgendorffer: Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit!
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I liked it, too.
- Daria Morgendorffer: That's not funny!
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I know.
- [they kiss again]
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: That was definitely not funny.
- Daria Morgendorffer: I gotta go!
- [runs out of the car]
- Trent Lane: Hey, you know, about Tom and all... it'll be okay.
- Jane Lane: Yeah, some part of me knows that. Some part of me is actually saying that breaking up is right.
- Trent Lane: Maybe it is.
- Jane Lane: So how come every five minutes I feel like I'm going to throw up?
- Trent Lane: I don't know. You haven't been eating out of the refrigerator again, have you?
- Jane Lane: [smiles] Idiot.
- Daria Morgendorffer: ...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one who's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobody to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh.
- Daria Morgendorffer: I didn't mean it that way.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations...
- Daria Morgendorffer: Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I'm sure it was just a one-time...
- Daria Morgendorffer: Twice.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [sighs] It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria... nobody got killed.
- Daria Morgendorffer: No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: What about Tom?
- Daria Morgendorffer: I'm not thinking about Tom!
- [sighs]
- Daria Morgendorffer: You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Who came up with that stupid arrangement?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It's called life.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Life sucks.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes. Sometimes... often.
- Daria Morgendorffer: *That's* reassuring.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But it still beats the alternative. Honey, things will work out. I don't know how, but they will.
- Daria Morgendorffer: You don't know how? What kind of parental wisdom is that?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Honest?
- Daria Morgendorffer: Don't you have to be getting back to that huge case of yours?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh, don't worry about that. It's completely under control.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I'm a real idiot. There's no question about that.
- Jane Lane: Who's arguing?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: We should have just broken up and I never should have dragged Daria into it.
- Jane Lane: What do you mean, we should have just broken up?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Come on. We weren't going anywhere. We were about to break up.
- Jane Lane: Yeah. So now what? You going to go out with her? I guess I gotta get a new best friend.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What are you talking about?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What am I going to do, tag along on your dates? Forget it. That's too weird for me.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Yeah. I don't know why we expected her to do it.
- Jane Lane: You're going to have just a super time dating Daria. She loves to have fun.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I didn't say I was going to date her. I know how antisocial she is.
- Jane Lane: Hey, she's all right. Give her a chance.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What are you talking about? You want me to go out with her?
- Jane Lane: Of course not. I mean, I don't know. Just... look. All that time... were you going out with me just to get to her?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Are you crazy?
- Jane Lane: I don't know. Am I?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I really like you, Jane. You're smart and you're funny, you have a great attitude... you do everything on your own terms. You're, like, from a cooler world.
- Jane Lane: I am, aren't I?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: You really are.
- Jane Lane: Too bad you're such a dork.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I know.
- Jane Lane: Maybe we'd better to talk about this later.
- Daria Morgendorffer: There's nothing to talk about. You're delusional.
- Jane Lane: Oh, well, in that case, I can just talk to myself about it.
- [Daria and Jane are browsing through the store for hair-coloring products]
- Jane Lane: "Golden Heather Blonde," "Dewy Cornfield Blonde," "April Wheat Blonde"... I just want to bleach my hair, not start a freaking farm.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Well, I'm looking for "Blonde as a Bat," but so far no luck.
- Daria Morgendorffer: [while mixing the bleach to dye Jane's hair] This stuff stinks. Why can't they just mix it before they put it in the bottle?
- Jane Lane: Because the vapors would build up and it would explode.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Oh. Well, that sounds like something I'd want seeping into my scalp.
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Oh. Hi!
- Jane Lane: Oh hi. Go to hell! How could you? How could you?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey... uh... stop... I didn't mean to! It just happened!
- Jane Lane: How could she?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: She didn't do anything! It was all my fault!
- Jane Lane: Oh, don't give me that!
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: She didn't want any part of this! I screwed everything up!
- Jane Lane: Now what?
- Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I don't know.
- Daria Morgendorffer: ...so that's it. Of all the guys in the world to kiss, I pick the one who's going out with my best friend. Now I don't know what's going on, I have nobody to talk to about it, and that's why I came to you.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [misunderstanding] Oh.
- Daria Morgendorffer: I didn't mean it that way.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh. Well, it's not easy being a teenager, Daria. You have all these new feelings and sensations...
- Daria Morgendorffer: Mom, spare me the puberty speech. I kissed my best friend's boyfriend.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: I'm sure it was just a one-time...
- Daria Morgendorffer: Twice.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [sighs] It's a lousy situation, Daria. But you didn't set out to hurt anyone.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Neither do those bus drivers who go flying off an embankment on their way to the casino.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Daria... nobody got killed.
- Daria Morgendorffer: No, but I can't imagine how I could have hurt Jane more.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: What about Tom?
- Daria Morgendorffer: I'm not thinking about Tom!
- [sighs]
- Daria Morgendorffer: You know... I had everything more or less under control. I'm not saying it was great, but I could deal with school, I could deal with home, and now nothing's under control.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It never is, sweetie. We just tell ourselves otherwise so we can function.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Who came up with that stupid arrangement?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: It's called life.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Life sucks.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes. Sometimes.
- [pause]
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Often.
- Daria Morgendorffer: That's reassuring.
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But it still beats the alternative. Honey, things will work out. I don't know how, but they will.
- Daria Morgendorffer: You don't know how? What kind of parental wisdom is that?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Honest?
- Daria Morgendorffer: Don't you have to be getting back to that huge case of yours?
- Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Oh, don't worry about that. It's completely under control.
- Jake Morgendorffer: They're going to make it illegal to shoot squirrels? Damn it. What kind of town is this?