The Simpsons (TV Series)

Itchy & Scratchy Land (1994)

Julie Kavner: Marge Simpson

Photos 

Quotes 

• [at Itchy & Scratchy Land] 

  Park Announcer : Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.

  Woman : I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.

  Marge : Mmmmm...

  Park Announcer : Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

  Marge : Mmmmmmm...

• Marge : I have nothing to say to you.

  Homer : But Marge, I was a political prisoner.

  Marge : How were you a political prisoner?

  Homer : I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

• Homer : Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail.

  Marge : Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.

  John Travolta : Yeah, *looks* like...

• Park Manager : There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify.

  Marge : When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.

  Park Manager : Just like in real life.

• Marge : [as robot Itchys and Scratchys advance on her and Homer]  I knew we should've gone to the bird sanctuary.

  [Cut to the sanctuary, where the birds are attacking visitors Hitchcock-style. Hans Moleman is in a phone booth, completely oblivious to the carnage outside] 

  Hans Moleman : I need the biggest seed bell you have... no, that's too big.

• Bart : Mom, guess what!

  Lisa Simpson : We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!

  Marge : No. I've already planned our vacation for this year. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.

  [Bart and Lisa stare, horrified] 

  Marge : It's shaped like a diner! And it's on this really tall pole.

• Homer : Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.

  Marge , Bart , Lisa Simpson : Agreed.

• Maestro : Welcome to T.G.I. McScratchy's, where it's constantly New Year's Eve! Here we go again! Three, two, one...

  Partygoers : Happy New Year!

  [balloons are strewn about the dance floor] 

  Marge : It must be wonderful to ring in the new year over and over and over!

  Cocktail Waiter : [glumly]  Please kill me.

• Bart : Smash-shy, smash-shy!

  Marge : Um, I don't approve of that.

• Marge : ...And remember, every morning give one bowl of Kibble to Santa's Little Helper. Do you want me to write any of this down?

  Grampa Simpson : No! I ain't senile, dad blast it!

  Marge : Okay, bye-bye!

  Homer , Bart : Bye!

  Lisa Simpson : Bye, Grampa!

  [the family drives off, leaving Grampa with Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II] 

  Grampa Simpson : Wait a minute! What was that last thing you said? 'Grampa's Little Helper'... what's that?

  [meekly, to animals] 

  Grampa Simpson : Which one of you is the mailman?

  [animals look awkwardly at each other]