- Frank Reynolds: I wanna live like you again, Charlie. I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopless.
- Charlie Kelly: Okay. I'm not ugly.
- Stripper: Oh, look at you sweetie. What happened?
- Charlie Kelly: [pretending to be a war veteran] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer bitch!
- Wayne: What's up guys?
- Mac: I have polio.
- Wayne: Oh. Ok...
- Dennis Reynolds: I have polio too.
- Wayne: Alright...
- [Mac and Dennis roll away]
- Dennis Reynolds: You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!
- Frank Reynolds: I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.
- Dennis Reynolds: We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?
- Frank Reynolds: Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.
- Dee Reynolds: ...What?... Oh, no...
- Frank Reynolds: ...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.
- [Dee pulls out a stuffed toy elephant]
- Dennis Reynolds: Mr. Tibbs.
- Dee Reynolds: Oh, is that it? Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? They call you Mr. Tibbs.
- [Dee rips off Mr. Tibbs' head]
- Dee Reynolds: What do they call you now?
- Dennis Reynolds: Whatever. I don't care.
- Dee Reynolds: Huh.
- [Dennis turns away and silently gasps]
- Wayne: [shouting while in a wheelchair] Hey guys!
- Mac: [pretending to be handicapped with Dennis] Shit, what do we do?
- Dennis Reynolds: Uh, okay. Just play it cool, man.
- Mac: Play it cool.
- Dennis Reynolds: [to Wayne] Hey.
- Wayne: Hey. How's it going?
- Mac: [blurting out] I have polio.
- Wayne: Oh. Uh, okay.
- Dennis Reynolds: [slowly] And I have polio...
- Mac: [blurting out again, interrupting him] He has polio, too.
- Wayne: All right, um...
- [Mac and Dennis slowly back away]
- Mac: Oh, look at Sweet Dee, sitting on her cloud of judgement, handing down life lessons to all the sinners.
- Mac: Being handicapped sucks, dude.
- Dennis Reynolds: Oh yeah, man. It's too much work, there's like nothing to show for it.
- Mac: Yeah, there's like no advantages!
- Dennis Reynolds: Dee, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing?
- Dee Reynolds: Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this shit to poor people
- Dennis Reynolds: Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.
- Dee Reynolds: How come you get to pick and choose?
- Dennis Reynolds: It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.
- Dee Reynolds: You're a woman and you're weak.
- Dennis Reynolds: That doesn't make any sense
- Dee Reynolds: You don't make any sense.
- Dee Reynolds: What's going on down there?
- Wayne: Those two guys are pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.
- Dee Reynolds: What a bunch of scumbags.
- [Dee drags herself away in her back-brace and crutches]
- Dennis Reynolds: What did you say about the money?
- Frank Reynolds: I'm giving it all away.
- Dee Reynolds: That is a very stupid thing to do.
- Dennis Reynolds: You're a very stupid, stupid man.
- Charlie Kelly: Let's flip a coin, the loser leaves.
- Mac: Okay.
- Charlie Kelly: Get a coin.
- Mac: I don't have a coin! Gimme a coin. You have a coin?
- Charlie Kelly: Of course I don't have a coin.
- Mac: Alright, let's flip something else.
- Charlie Kelly: Alright, uh...
- Mac: Something in the hallway... a feather?
- Charlie Kelly: Look, that piece of wood.
- Mac: That's not gonna work.
- Charlie Kelly: What about something off the chair?
- Mac: Yeah, maybe we'll just break something off this chair.
- [Mac starts kicking the wheel off Charlie's wheelchair]
- Charlie Kelly: Don't break it too much. It's a rental, dude.