- Roy Biggins: Hey Roy. You know, I really appreciate you letting me off early yesterday. My stomach's feeling much better now. That's the last time I store the brake fluid next to the Dr. Pepper.
- Lowell Mather: Well, the important thing is... you've stopped convulsing.
- Lowell Mather: Okay, wait 'til you hear this story. Alright, remember my friend Merle? Well, he went out cod fishing the other day and he reeled in a fifty-pounder. He gets it back to the beach, cuts that baby open... What do you think falls out?
- Roy Biggins: The mug?
- Lowell Mather: No, a license plate from 1929. So he takes it home, he tells his wife about it, she doesn't believe him. They have a huge fight, Merle storms out, he's walking down the beach... Guess what he tripped over?
- Roy Biggins: The mug?
- Lowell Mather: No, a big ol' piece of driftwood. He falls down, gashes his head, he has to go to the hospital, get thirty stitches, his wife comes to comfort him, you know... What do you think she brings him?
- [Roy points expectantly at the mug]
- Lowell Mather: No, flowers.
- Roy Biggins: Mather, where the hell'd you find the mug?
- Lowell Mather: I saw your pilot, Bob, getting on a flight with it, and I said, "Hey, wait a second, Bob, that's Roy's mug." But isn't that something about Merle?
- Lowell Mather: Listen, I'm not much good with words, so... here.
- Roy Biggins: [Lowell hands Roy a box. Roy opens it] What the hell is this?
- Lowell Mather: [Lowell holds up a coffee mug with his own face on it] Well, it's a mug... with my mug. Hey, whaddya know? I guess I am pretty good with words.
- Helen Chapel: [Helen confronts Brian and Casey] All right, I wasn't gonna say anything, but now I have to. I know what you two are up to.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Ah no. How did you find out?
- Helen Chapel: Oh please, on this island? You sneeze in the hardware store and they Gesundheit you down at the bowling alley!
- Casey Chapel Davenport: All right, ENOUGH about the Big Sandwich! I'm sure you will all be more than pleased with the food. Especially after you've tasted the marvelous poached salmon.
- Lowell Mather: ...How many feet did you get?
- Casey Chapel Davenport: It doesn't come by the foot.
- Lowell Mather: Then how do you know when you're full?
- Casey Chapel Davenport: ...I gotta get off this island!
- Antonio Scarpacci: [Antonio is with Joe and Helen in their bedroom. Antonio covers his eyes] You know, I'm not a prude, but I would appreciate it if you would cover yourself.
- Helen Chapel: God, I'm so sorry.
- Antonio Scarpacci: I was talking about Joe.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Okay listen: We are throwing a surprise engagement party for Joe and Helen. And you're all invited.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: It's at the Harbor House tonight. We'll meet you in the lobby at 7:30.
- Roy Biggins: Well it's a little last minute, but... it's a party, and who am I to pass up a Big Sandwich? How many feet you go for? Eight feet?
- Lowell Mather: No, this is Joe and Helen. It's gotta be the ten footer.
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Remember that TWELVE footer they served at Ed Petersen's wake?
- Roy Biggins, Lowell Mather: Ah, yeah.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Brace yourself, guys. Um... We're not having a Big Sandwich.
- Lowell Mather: [hurt] Excuse me... It almost sounded like you said there'd be no Big Sandwich.
- Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: Aw, everyone LOVES the Big Sandwich.
- Roy Biggins: A party without a Big Sandwich? It's-it's-it's-it's-it's just not done.
- Antonio Scarpacci: [Antonio thinks Brian and Casey are planning a romantic evening] How can you live with yourself?
- Brian Michael Hackett: What do you mean?
- Antonio Scarpacci: Don't play coy with me. I know what you and Casey are up to, buddy boy.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Well great. You gonna stop by the hotel later on and join us?
- Antonio Scarpacci: ...Huh?
- Brian Michael Hackett: What, do you think we'd leave you out, huh? Got us a suite at the Harbor House. Gonna be a blast.
- Antonio Scarpacci: ...What?
- Brian Michael Hackett: Don't get too excited. Casey doesn't want to do the Big Sandwich.
- Antonio Scarpacci: Wait wait, what are you saying? You and Casey... and ME?
- Brian Michael Hackett: Well, I mean don't forget Roy and Lowell and Faye.
- Antonio Scarpacci: Oh, my GOD!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Hey, come on. I mean, what kind of engagement party would it be without them?
- Antonio Scarpacci: [Finally understands] Engagement party? Ah! So you and Casey aren't...? So, when you were talking about a sandwich, you meant -- Hey wait a minute, no Big Sandwich?
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Antonio, what the hell are you doing in my bedroom?
- Antonio Scarpacci: Listen, something terrible has happened. It's Brian and Casey.
- Helen Chapel: Oh my God. Were they in an accident?
- Antonio Scarpacci: Worse: They're having sex!
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: [flustered] Well, at least SOMEBODY is!
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Hold it. If there's one thing I know how to do it is throw a party. We'll get a suite at the Harbor House. We can go tonight and pick out the perfect room. And then we'll get case of champagne, and I will have the chef at Pastiche prepare all the food.
- Brian Michael Hackett: And the big sandwich.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: We're not having a big sandwich.
- Brian Michael Hackett: This is Nantucket. It's not San Francisco. We are a simple people. We fish our waters. We till our lands. We eat a big sandwich.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Just admit it: when I kissed you, you felt something.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Yeah, your tongue! And if you EVER do that again, I will serve it to you on a big sandwich!
- Casey Chapel Davenport: [Answers phone] Yes. What? Are you serious? OK, thank you.
- [to Brian]
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Apparently, the Clam Digger Deli has just delivered a large sandwich.
- Brian Michael Hackett: BIG sandwich! It's a "big" sandwich.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: Great, I've gone from heading up charity fundraisers to bringing up the rear of a giant hoagie!
- Brian Michael Hackett, Roy Biggins, Lowell Mather, Antonio Scarpacci, Fay Evelyn Schlob Dumbly DeVay Cochran: [In unison] BIG SANDWICH!