- Roy Biggins: Isn't half the fun of being single the thrill of the hunt? Making eye contact with a woman across the room. Wondering if she's as hot for you as you are for her. Wondering if...
- Helen Chapel: [interrupting Roy] she'll take a check or insist on cash?
- Roy Biggins: Let me tell you something, Roy Biggins doesn't pay for it. The Roy Biggins corporation does.
- Alex Lambert: [as Brian wheels giant stereo speakers into the bedroom] Brian, what are you doing?
- Brian Michael Hackett: I'm moving in my speakers, what does it look like?
- Alex Lambert: Like you're a roadie for Metallica.
- Helen Chapel: Lowell, you still have that book - haven't you thought of a name yet?
- Lowell Mather: No, but I've narrowed it down to three: Kelbo, which means "rejected and persecuted"; Maurice, which means "Gangster of Love"; and Felix, which means "wonderful, wonderful cat".
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: No way, you're not coming home!
- Brian Michael Hackett: As in Thomas Wolfe, "You Can't Go Home Again"?
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: As in, "There's a pool table in your bedroom."
- Roy Biggins: Personally, I've never minded staying awake all night for a woman.
- Helen Chapel: You don't have any choice, because if you dozed off, she'd escape.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: You know, Lowell, just because they're twins, their names don't have to rhyme... like, Nancy and- Fancy...
- Lowell Mather: [Contemplating] Fancy... .
- Helen Chapel: Lowell, if in 30 years a big, angry man man named Fancy comes looking for you - RUN!