Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale (2006 TV Special)

Jim Gaffigan: Self

Quotes 

• [repeated line] 

  Jim Gaffigan : [singing in falsetto]  Hot Pockets.

• Jim Gaffigan : [comparing pie to cake]  That's like liquid cake, isn't it? Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen. "Go check on Grandma." Pie can't compete. You ever hear of a hot chick jumping out of a pie? It's too messy. "I'm here!" "Go take a shower."

• Jim Gaffigan : If you've never been to a Catholic mass, that is the *longest* experience of your *life*! Makes you look forward to going to the DMV.

• [first lines] 

  Jim Gaffigan : [as everyone cheers him coming out on stage]  All right, all right! Stop it, you look like you're on drugs.

  [breathy tone, almost whispering] 

  Jim Gaffigan : Oh, he's a pale fella. I didn't know he was gonna be so pale! Oh, that shirt looks like a tablecloth. Is that a shirt or a blouse? I think he's wearing his mother's blouse. His pants look dirty. I wonder if he's wearing a thong? I didn't wonder that; now I do. This is all he does. This is weird! I can barely hear what he's saying. Vaguely.

• Jim Gaffigan : I try to rationalize what I eat, but there's some foods there's no reason to ever eat. Like a Cinnabon? I mean, tell me that place is run by Satan. You ever eat a Cinnabon? You have to take a nap halfway through. I think I need some insulin. I need a wheelbarrow for my half a bun. It's kinda generous calling that a bun. It's the size of a beanbag chair. Should I sit in it or eat it? Hey, I can sit in it *and* eat it. This is sticky without pants on.

• Jim Gaffigan : I'm Korean. I come from the country of Korea. And I've been here for, how do you say, one day. Actually, I wish I was Korean, 'cause then my interests in Asian women wouldn't be considered so creepy.

• Jim Gaffigan : Trying to lay off the dairy, I bought some of that Country Crock margarine. Didn't stick it in the fridge right away; it turned into gasoline!

• Jim Gaffigan : As a kid, Halloween was amazing. You dress like a superhero, you bang on your neighbor's door, and they give you candy. I do that today, my neighbor wants me arrested! Probably 'cause I make a hot Catwoman. REOW! Kitty wants some candy!

• Jim Gaffigan : Hot Pockets haven't been around that long - like ten years. How'd they come up with that? Was there some guy in a marketing meeting, like, 'Hey, I got an idea! How about we fill a Pop-Tart with nasty meat?'