- Johnson, Alexz: [knowing she is trying out the rollercoaster for the first time] If anybody wants me, I'll be in the washroom, on the floor, in the fetal position.
- Easton, Sam: Texas doesn't look like a pussy, but... Texas is a pussy. Yeah, you can quote me on that.
- Easton, Sam: [headlining at a comedy club] Uh, I don't like wearing my Montreal Expos jersey anymore, because now that the team's gone, and I have a shaved head, I look like a sick kid with one last wish!
- [the crowd laughs, Sam begins talking in a high-pitched voice]
- Easton, Sam: I wanna see the Expos play!
- [Sam does a fake cough, the crowd laughs again]
- Easton, Sam: My hopes are high, my bone marrow is low!