Step Brothers (2008)

Adam Scott: Derek

Photos 

Quotes 

• Brennan Huff : Hey Derek, you know what's good for shoulder pain?

  Derek : What?

  Brennan Huff : If you lick my butt hole.

• Derek : I have to sell or lease at last 80 helicopters to make my nut. And you... You mess with my nut, Brennan, Randy here is gonna eat your dick.

  Randy : Like Kobayashi.

  Randy : [makes eating noise] 

  Derek : I've seen him do it.

  Brennan Huff : You've actually seen him eating a man's penis?

  Derek : It was in international waters, so they couldn't prosecute him. But I saw it.

• Derek : What do we do now?

  Brennan Huff : We could hug.

  Derek : Yeah, you'd like that, faggot!... Sorry.

• Derek : [Derek suddenly climbs up Brennan's treehouse with a beer]  What's up, faggots?

  [to Brennan] 

  Derek : What's up man? What? You're not gonna come down and say hi to me? What's with that, dipshit? Huh?

  Brennan Huff : [faintly]  Hi, Derek.

  Derek : Whoa, calm down, man. I'm just joking. You guys, I really like your guys' setup up here...

  Dale Doback : What is your problem, man?

  Derek : My problem? I don't know! I don't have a problem, Dale. Actually, I have the opposite of a problem: I made over 550 K last year!

  [smirks] 

  Derek : How much did you make?

  Dale Doback : [shrugs]  It's not about money...

  Derek : No, it's not about money. Well, for me, it's a little bit about money...

  [pause] 

  Derek : And I made that much money last year. I am the VP of the biggest executive-helicopter-leasing company on the Western Seaboard. Okay? I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out!

  [Derek lifts up his shirt and shows Dale and Brennan his chest abs] 

  Derek : See these? See these boys? This is what I live with! Every day I lather this up with Kiehl's in the shower. You wanna touch this shit? You wanna touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen!

• Derek : It's the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer.

• Derek : What if I were to tell you that I could sell this house... for 30 percent above market?

  Dr. Robert Doback : That'd be great. Could you do it?

  Derek : Yeah. In a heartbeat, Robby. Look, I got my real-estate license a few years back for shits and gigs. I'd even do it for four-fifths commish... because you know what really gets my dick hard? Helping out my friends.

• Derek : Listen gang, don't be mad at Dale for ruining the story... and possibly the evening.

• Derek : Dane Cook, pay-per-view, 20 minutes. Let's go!

• Derek : Brennan has a man-gina!

• Derek : [sarcastically]  Not bad!

  Brennan Huff : [as Derek leaves]  Eat shit, Derek!

• [as the family sings Sweet Child O' Mine] 

  Derek : All right, Alice, let's go!

  [Alice sings unenthusiastically] 

  Derek : Flat. It's so flat, I can't even- I don't even know. You don't even look good while you're singing. The worst thing I've ever heard. This is twelve hundred dollars a week for voice lessons, and this is what I get? Okay, I'm gonna save it with the solo.

  [singing] 

  Derek : Bowm, bowm, I'm Deeerek and I can sing hiiiigh like thiiiis! And I can sing hiiiiiiiigh!

  [swerves away from oncoming traffic] 

• Derek : So, you got a really dope front lawn here. You and your homeboys can play on that.

  Second Homebuyer Husband : You know what, you can- you can just say it looks good.

  Derek : Nah, it's how I talk. You got a really fresh entryway here.

• Nancy Huff : We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding.

  Dr. Robert Doback : We completely understand. You were busy fishing... with Mark Cuban.

  Derek : Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not just the Cubes, but Chris Daughtry, Jeff Probst, super chef Bobby Flay. I mean, it was insane. It was almost too much.

• Dale Doback : What is your problem, man?

  Derek : My problem? I don't know. I don't have a problem, uh, Dale. In fact, I have the opposite of a problem. I made over 550K last year. How much did you make?

  Dale Doback : It's not about money.

  Derek : It's not about money? Well, for me, it's a little about money, and I made *that* much money last year.

• Dr. Robert Doback : [to Dale and Brennan on why it is their fault for divorcing Nancy]  You destroyed my boat, you beat me up in your sleep, and... worst of all, you made Nancy and I resent each other! IT IS ABSOLUTELY ONE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY PERCENT YOUR FAULT!

  Derek : Of course it's their fault. They are the two biggest dickheads in the world and they're living in your house!

• Dr. Robert Doback : Oh God, you're impressive.

  Derek : Oh, come on. I love talking to you from across the room. I feel like we have a thing. You and me, man! You're my new stepdad! You're unbelievable!

  [Robert laughs giddily] 

  Nancy Huff : I-I've never heard that laugh before.

  Dale Doback : Dad, why are you acting so weird?

• Derek : I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out.

  [Points to ab muscles] 

  Derek : See these? See these boys? This is what I live with, every day. I lather this up with Kiehls in the shower. You want to touch this shit?

  Dale Doback : No.

  Derek : You want to touch these bad boys? Sorry, not gonna happen.