- Veronica Mars: No jokes. No innuendoes, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seen me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers.
- Logan Echolls: Can I mention that my eyes adored you? I got it. No calling you bobcat, no talk of milky thighs.
- Veronica Mars: Go home.
- Veronica Mars: Here's a fun thing to say to your beau: 'Mind if I go put the screws to someone?
- Logan Echolls: Go ahead, screw your brains out.
- Dick Casablancas: You're torturing me!
- Veronica Mars: Without even trying? God, I'm good!
- Dick Casablancas: My brothers are all sorts of pissed. They think you're coming after them instead of trying to find the real raper.
- Veronica Mars: Do you mean rapist? Learn the terminology!
- Veronica Mars: Remember that case a couple years ago where that woman was impersonating her boss? How did you obtain the ATM photos that proved it?
- Keith Mars: I know a guy, a representative of the bank. He needs to request a court order and once the court order is issued, it only takes about an hour to get the photos.
- Veronica Mars: So, it's a piece of cake.
- Keith Mars: A monkey with a friend who's a bank representative can do it.
- Veronica Mars: So, Bubbles. You feel like doing me a solid? Hm?
- Keith Mars: Is it possible your boyfriend's financial problems are just his champagne wishes and caviar dreams biting him on the ass?
- Veronica Mars: One solid-gold foosball table and a couple of man-servants and suddenly he's spendy.
- Veronica Mars: Umm, did you trip and fall onto sandalwood, musk, and a hint of spicy citrus or is that cologne?
- Keith Mars: It's aftershave. I'm going to traffic court.
- Veronica Mars: Sexy traffic court?
- Keith Mars: Hmm. Nice shoes. You change your major to Women's Studies?
- Veronica Mars: Ha! Yuk it up, fancy pants.
- Wallace Fennel: I liked the other place you worked better.
- Veronica Mars: Think maybe that's because we had food there?
- Veronica Mars: [voice-over] Who knew that when opportunity knocked it would look like a horny surfer?
- Veronica Mars: [Hands store clerk a photo] Do you remember this girl? Her name is Claire.
- Walter: Yeah, I saw her. So drunk she could barely stand. If your parents knew what you kids really do here...
- Veronica Mars: And you're sure it was her?
- Walter: She came in with a guy. She's falling asleep on my magazine rack. He's trying to scrap together change to buy prophylactics. Then he's all mad because he can't use a credit card unless he spends fifteen dollars, so I sent him next door to the ATM. They came back later, he bought his raincoat, one less bastard child conceived by morons.
- [In a sing-song voice]
- Walter: Everyone's haaaappyyy!
- Veronica Mars: [Hands store clerk a photo] Do you remember this girl? Her name is Claire.
- Walter: Yeah, I saw her. So drunk she could barely stand. If your parents knew what you kids really do here...
- Veronica Mars: And you're sure it was her?
- Walter: She came in with a guy. She's falling asleep on my magazine rack. He's trying to scrape together change to buy prophylactics. Then he's all mad because he can't use a credit card unless he spends fifteen dollars, so I sent him next door to the ATM. They came back later, he bought his raincoat, one less bastard child conceived by morons.
- [In a sing-song voice]
- Walter: Everyone's haaaappyyy!