- Kyle: It's the kindergarten teacher, Ms. Stephenson.
- Police Sergeant: The blonde?
- Kyle: Yeah.
- Policeman #1: Some young boy is having sex with Ms. Stephenson?
- Kyle: Yes.
- Policeman #1: Nice.
- Police Sergeant: Nice.
- Kyle: What? No, you don't understand...
- Policeman #1: You sure they've had sex?
- Kyle: Yeah!
- Policeman #2: Has she performed oral sex on him?
- Kyle: I think so.
- Policeman #2: Nice.
- Policeman #1: Nice!
- Policeman #2: [whispers] Nicccce.
- Police Sergeant: So, wait. What's the crime?
- Policeman #1: The crime is she isn't doing it with me.
- [cops laugh]
- Kyle: Hey! He's totally underage. She's taking advantage of him!
- Police Sergeant: You're right. We're sorry. This is serious. We need to track this student down and
- [pauses]
- Police Sergeant: give him his "Luckiest Boy in America" medal right away.
- [cops laugh heartily]
- [Cartman is walking down the hall as hall monitor, and a kid passes behind him. He immediately turns around and points at him]
- Eric Cartman: HALL PASS!
- Various: Whaa?
- Eric Cartman: [Holding him up to a locker and holding up a can of bear mace] YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS BEAR MACE, FAGGOT! NOW GIMMIE YOUR HALL PASS, NOW!
- Various: It's right here!
- [shows him hall pass]
- Eric Cartman: Okay you're cool, man, go with Christ.
- Various: What? You can't just come up to me and...
- Eric Cartman: [kicks him sharply aside]
- Butters: [in the boys' bathroom, singing] Hey there, Mr. Weiner, what do you know? Do you need to tinkle, tinkle? Yes, I do think so!
- Eric Cartman: Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette?
- Butters: Uhh... Sure.
- Eric Cartman: You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude.
- Butters: Well I do...
- Eric Cartman: You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!
- [at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair]
- Kyle: Guys, can I talk to you?
- Stan: Sure, dude.
- Kyle: I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?
- [Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"]
- Kyle: [continues] My little brother and his tea...
- Cartman: Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?
- Kyle: Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!
- Stan: Dude, what's the matter?
- Kyle: The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.
- Stan: ...Wow.
- Kenny: [muffled] Really?
- Cartman: Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.
- Kyle: It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.
- Cartman: What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.
- Kyle: [looks long and hard] Stick it inside her and pee?
- Cartman: Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.
- Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, you're having a relationship with this student?
- Cartman: Yes, during class time, without a hall pass.
- Principal Victoria: This is unbelievable.
- Cartman: I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.
- Principal Victoria: Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.
- Miss Stevenson: Oh god.
- Cartman: You just dealt with the dawg bitch!
- Cartman: [singing] There's fear and darkness all around you/The criminals are on the run/No use in not having your hall pass/I'll take you to the principal cause I'm the dawg! I am the dawg, the big bad dawg, the hallway monitor!
- [laughs]
- Car dealer guy: [knocks on window] Hey kid, get out of there.
- Cartman: That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.
- [gets out]
- Cartman: I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense!
- Miss Stevenson: I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.
- Police Sergeant: Well, that explains it.
- Policeman #1: Do we still press charges?
- Police Sergeant: Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?
- Police Sergeant: Damn it! Where were all these sexed-up teachers when I was a kid?
- Eric Cartman: Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!
- [shoves student against locker]
- Eric Cartman: Do you know what this is? this is the mace that they use on bears, faggot!
- Eric Cartman: [after seeing Ike and Miss Stevenson kissing] HALL INFRACTION!
- Miss Stevenson: [nervously] Oh, we were just heading back in.
- Eric Cartman: You got a hall pass, brah?
- Miss Stevenson: I don't need a hall pass, I'm a teacher.
- Eric Cartman: Yeah? Well, where's HIS hall pass?
- Miss Stevenson: Look, just let us get back in.
- Eric Cartman: Get down on the floor!
- Miss Stevenson: We're going back inside!
- Eric Cartman: You like bear mace, ice head?
- Miss Stevenson: Bear mace?
- Eric Cartman: You're going with Christ!
- [sprays Miss Stevenson with bear mace]
- Miss Stevenson: Aaaaahhh!
- Therapist: Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?
- Miss Stevenson: No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.
- Therapist: Nice...
- Sheila Broflovski: Help! Please, I need your help! That teacher, Miss Stevenson, she's left town with my son. I've got a note saying they're going to Milan.
- Policeman #1: You're kidding?
- Sheila Broflovski: No, it's true.
- Policeman #1: Damn it! Where were all these sexed up teachers when I was a kid?
- Sheila Broflovski: This is serious!
- Officer Foley: [sarcastic] Yeah, a boy is going to Milan with a beautiful, older woman. Quick, call the FBI!
- [all policemen laugh]
- Sheila Broflovski: ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOTHING?
- Policeman #1: All right, all right, we'll make a report. Jesus!
- Miss Stevenson: Hold on, please. You don't understand!
- Kyle: Really? What's there not to understand?
- Miss Stevenson: Your brother and I are in love.
- Kyle: He's a little young, don't you think?
- Ike Broflovski: Oh!
- Miss Stevenson: Ike is very mature for his age and you know it.
- Ike Broflovski: Ring around the roses.
- Miss Stevenson: He makes me feel like nobody else does. He loves me and only me and I know I'm a goddess to him. When we make love, he can give it to me hard or soft and...
- Kyle: Alright! We're getting the hell out of here!
- Ike Broflovski: No, no, no, no, no, no!
- Kyle: Ike, you can't possibly want this. We have to tell Mom.
- Ike Broflovski: [starts crying]
- Kyle: Ike!
- Miss Stevenson: Is it so hard to believe that true love exists?
- Kyle: [after a pause] This is nuts.
- Kyle: Mom, I think maybe you should talk to Ike about love and sex.
- Sheila Broflovski: Sex? Oh, booby, Ike is much too young.
- Miss Stevenson: [after having sex with Ike Broflovski] That was unbelievable. I've never felt like such a woman before. They'll say our love is wrong, but we can't let anybody know. They'll never understand. We were meant to be, I know it. How else could sex be that incredible?