South Park (TV Series)

Go God Go (2006)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Mrs. Garrison, Mr. Mackey, Store Security Guard, Mr. Guscotty, Dougie, United Atheist League Members, Lead Otter

Quotes 

• [the kids in class, including a new girl, see Ms. Garrison arriving, not too happy to teach them evolution] 

  Ms. Garrison : All right, kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.

  Butters : Oh boy!

  Ms. Garrison : Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of *bullcrap*! But I've been told I have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this...

  [she goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer] 

  Ms. Garrison : In the beginning, we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its...

  [she waves her left hand limply] 

  Ms. Garrison : ...mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this.

  [she points to a prehistoric mammal rodent] 

  Ms. Garrison : Retard frog-sqirrel, and then *that* had a retard baby which was a... monkey-fish-frog... And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey... and that made you!

  [she faces the class, with the new girl among them looking around] 

  Ms. Garrison : So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!

  Cartman : [impatient for a Nintendo Wii, hops out of his chair and leaves the room, shouting]  Haahhh! I can't take it anymore! Haaaaah!

  Ms. Garrison : [thinking Cartman understands evolution]  Yeah? You see? I *knew* that would happen.

• [Richard Dawkins continues teaching evolution, with Ms. Garrison looking quite enamored] 

  Richard Dawkins : You must understand, children, that we are dealing with very large numbers here.

  Ms. Garrison : [thinks]  That's my man.

  Richard Dawkins : So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen.

  Ms. Garrison : That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God.

  Richard Dawkins : Careful, darling. The school board doesn't like it when we...

  Stan : Well, there could still be a God.

  Ms. Garrison : [surprised]  What?

  Stan : Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?

  Ms. Garrison : [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it]  Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class!

  [she leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's] 

  Ms. Garrison : Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?

  Stan : I wasn't talking about spaghetti.

  [Ms. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class] 

  Ms. Garrison : Come on, you! You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair!

  [sets him down next to the blackboard and crowns him with a dunce cap that says, "I have faith"] 

• Richard Dawkins : Charmed to meet you.

  Ms. Garrison : Shut up, faggot

• [Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are counseling Ms. Garrison to teach the kids evolution] 

  Ms. Garrison : [with her back to the principal's desk]  Principal Victoria, it is wrong! It is wrong and I simply will not do it!

  [she walks back to the desk] 

  Ms. Garrison : I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies!

  [she pounds on the desk for emphasis] 

  Ms. Garrison : [shouts]  I am *not* teaching evolution in my class!

  Principal Victoria : Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it.

  Ms. Garrison : Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey! I'm a woman!

  Mr. Mackey : M'kay. Y-you realize evolution has been pretty much, uh, proven.

  Ms. Garrison : I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff!

  Principal Victoria : Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything.

• [the angry Triscotti parents, with their disturbed daughter, are discussing about evolution in Principal Victoria's office with Ms. Garrison] 

  Mr. Triscotti : Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?

  Ms. Garrison : [angry]  I told you this would happen, didn't I?

  Principal Victoria : Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that...

  Mr. Triscotti : We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!

  Ms. Garrison : I hear ya!

  Principal Victoria : Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class.

  Mr. Triscotti : You most certainly will!

  Girl : But Dad, I want to learn everything!

  Mr. Triscotti : No you don't! Shut up!

  [he and his wife take their daughter and leave the room] 

• [Richard Dawkins, a substitute teacher, has the children take notes about evolution] 

  Richard Dawkins : [in a scholarly voice]  Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us.

  Ms. Garrison : Whatever.

  Richard Dawkins : [glances over, then continues]  It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breathe in the air.

  Ms. Garrison : [relating Dawkins' points to her own]  Retarded fish-frogs.

  Richard Dawkins : [a bit shocked]  Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification.

  Ms. Garrison : Well, you're a faggot!

  [the look of shock returns to Dawkins] 

  Ms. Garrison : Continue.

  Richard Dawkins : You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright.

  Ms. Garrison : So you *are* saying that we're all related to monkeys!

  Richard Dawkins : [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard]  Well, yes, basically, we are.

  Ms. Garrison : Do you see monkeys at the zoo? They crap in their hands and throw it at people!

  Richard Dawkins : Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact!

  Ms. Garrison : What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell? Doesn't that bother you a little?

  Richard Dawkins : Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist.

  Ms. Garrison : [rises and walks up to him]  Aha! I've got you, you snake-in-the-grass! I found you out!

  Richard Dawkins : I never covered it up.

  Ms. Garrison : [shouts]  And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well *act* like a monkey, huh?

  [she acts like a monkey with monkey noises, then pulls down her pants and craps out her butt] 

  Richard Dawkins : [shocked]  What on earth are you doing?

  Ms. Garrison : Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!

  [she grabs her own feces and throws it at Dawkins, who screams in disgust] 

• [Ms. Garrison and Dawkins are in bed; she runs her fingers through his chest hair] 

  Richard Dawkins : Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did today in class was right.

  Ms. Garrison : What? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion.

  Richard Dawkins : Yes, but to be so bold about it...

  [he looks away] 

  Richard Dawkins : I've just never seen a woman with such... balls.

  Ms. Garrison : [sits on Dawkins with the blanket over her chest]  You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world.

  Richard Dawkins : Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God.

  Ms. Garrison : You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you.

  Richard Dawkins : Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again.

  Ms. Garrison : Oh, all right.

  [she lowers the blanket and the breasts appear, with the implants not balanced] 

  Richard Dawkins : Oh yeah, baby! Oh!

  [he shakes his head between the breasts, with the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up] 

  Ms. Garrison : [moans]  Oh yeah! Aaahhh!

  [Dawkins revs up again] 

• Cartman : [seeing people shoot at each other]  Jesus Christ!

  United Atheist League Member : [laughs]  You believe in a supernatural being.