- Andy Barker: [to Simon] Mmm, this tea is wonderful.
- [to Wally]
- Andy Barker: Is this chamomile?
- Wally: Yes it is. But I am sorry, it is pronounced Camel Milk.
- Simon: [Lew and Andy are off on another case] Alright it's go time! I'll get in back.
- Lew Staziak: Actually it's stay time.
- [drives off]
- Simon: [shouting] You win this round, Lew Staziac, but when vengeance strikes, it will be swift -
- [is hit in the head by humus from a humus gun]
- Andy Barker: We go to San Diego. My kids are crazy about Sea World.
- Lew Staziak: They wouldn't be if they knew what was burried under Shamu's tank.
- Rita Spaulding: Well aren't you just the cat's pajama's. You are aren't you?
- [puts on thick glasses]
- Rita Spaulding: Oh, hell yes!
- [groans suggestively]
- Andy Barker: [Rita has one wooden leg] I'm sorry about your leg...
- Rita Spaulding: Oh, it's no biggie. There's a girl in D-Block who lost the other one. Now we buy shoes together.
- Andy Barker: You said in your letter that you had been framed for the murder.
- Rita Spaulding: That's right, couldn't have done that. I was in the Brown Derby at the time.
- Andy Barker: Well, that ought to be fairly easy to prove.
- Rita Spaulding: Well, whoever framed me got everybody to done me up.
- Andy Barker: So no one saw you going in?
- Rita Spaulding: No, I was with a married guy. We went in the back door.
- Lew Staziak: [standing in doorframe] We did that a few times, didn't we doll?
- Rita Spaulding: Well Lew Staziak as I live and breathe. Actually, I was talking about going in the back door of the Brown Derby.
- Lew Staziak: So was I.
- Rita Spaulding: No, I mean the back door of the restaurant.
- Lew Staziak: Oh. I didn't go there.
- Andy Barker: Eh, Lew what are you doing here?
- Lew Staziak: I realized I couldn't let you alone with this one. She'd fill your head with lies and your pants with hands.
- Rita Spaulding: Still got two of those.
- Rita Spaulding: [shouting] Oh, and tell Lew I'm sorry I broke his heart!
- [quietly]
- Rita Spaulding: And burned his house.
- Wally: [to one of his two remaining Hoomus Hotties] You, chicken? You're out. Andy says go pull a sled, you dog
- John Leibowitz: I am John Leibowitz.
- Andy Barker: You are?
- John Leibowitz: I changed my name when I came to this country. There was much prejudice against the Chinese people. But who doesn't love a Jew?
- Lew Staziak: You ever had your heart broke by a one legged lady?
- Bartender: Change lady to dude, and yeah.
- Lew Staziak: You gay?
- Bartender: Yeah. This is a gay bar.
- Lew Staziak: Hey, you said you had a visit from Micky. You sure it was him?
- Andy Barker: I got a video of him with my phone.
- Lew Staziak: Yeah, and I just flew over here on my toaster.
- Mickey Doyle: Starting that fire's one of the best moves I ever made. I destroyed the evidence from six different crimes I committed.
- Andy Barker: Where are we going?
- Mickey Doyle: [pressing a gun in Andy's back] Parts of you are going to fifty different places around the city.
- Lew Staziak: So how's your wine, Sweetheart?
- Rita Spaulding: Well, it's better than the stuff we used to make in my toilet.
- Jenny Barker: You guys are adorable!