- Claymore Gregg: Hi, I'm Claymore Gregg, your monster of ceremonies. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Laugh it up, folks. I know you're out there. I can hear breathing.
- [Carolyn suggests Claymore's abandoned warehouse as a new home for retired seamen]
- Claymore Gregg: Gentlemen, as you know, that warehouse on Sycamore Street is rental property.
- Deke: Ain't had a tenant in four years, Claymore.
- Claymore Gregg: That is a mere technicality, Deke.
- Mr. Peevy: Place 'ould make a nice donation, Claymore.
- Claymore Gregg: You mean I am to just give it away for free? Oh-ho, please. Well, why would I want to do anything like that?
- Capt. Daniel Gregg: [appearing in Claymore's drinking glass] Because I demand it!
- Deke: Tickets are bummin'. Our amatuer night ain't sellin' enough tickets to meet expenses.
- Claymore Gregg: Well, how's that possible? It's my only appearance of the season.
- Deke: Well, guess folks figure why pay money to see you and Peevey make fools of yourselves when they can walk down the street and see it for nothin'.
- Claymore Gregg: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've been waiting for!
- Heckler: Are you leaving?
- Carolyn Muir: Peggy Lee? We could get her?
- Monte Marcus: No, but her replacement when she had laryngitis. That girl sings just like Peggy.
- Carolyn Muir: With or without the laryngitis?
- Monte Marcus: touché.