The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

The Handsome Stranger (2006)

Emma Chambers: Alice Horton

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alice Horton : [to Geraldine about Harry]  Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?

• Harry Kennedy : [answers the door and meets Geraldine and Alice]  Oh, hello.

  Geraldine Granger , Alice Horton : Hello.

  Harry Kennedy : Come in?

  Geraldine Granger : Yes lovely.

  [they enter the house] 

  Harry Kennedy : [moves a large box]  Sorry it's a bit of a mess. I just moved out of a student big flat in London it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze squeezing it all in so uh, well if you see anything you like the look of just steal it I'll never know.

  Alice Horton : Really?

  Geraldine Granger : [to Alice]  No, not really.

  Harry Kennedy : Oh, I'm Harry by the way. Sorry. All over the shop today.

  Geraldine Granger : [shaking Harry's hand]  Oh, right and I'm Geraldine. I just live down the lane.

  Harry Kennedy : Excellent.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah.

  Alice Horton : And I'm Alice.

  Harry Kennedy : [shakes her hand]  Splendid! Well, what a suprise so I actually recieve a visit from a neighbour. I lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years and the bell never rang once.

  Alice Horton : Oh, we had a bell like that.

• Alice Horton : [walks into the lounge]  I've been thinking.

  [Alice sits on the sofa next to Geraldine] 

  Alice Horton : Should've been you.

  [meaning Geraldine and Harry] 

  Geraldine Granger : Oh well...

• Alice Horton : [walks out of the kitchen carrying two cups and gives one to Geraldine]  I've been reading that fantastic new book from the Bible.

  Geraldine Granger : [confused]  *What* fantastic new book from the Bible?

  Alice Horton : The Da Vinci Code. You know it's *so* much better than Genesis and that boring old stuff.

  Geraldine Granger : I hate to tell you Alice but The Da Vinci Code is *not* a new book in the Bible. It's just a story.

  Alice Horton : [downcast]  Oh, that is so disappointing.

  Geraldine Granger : [broken voice]  I know.

  Alice Horton : To think that Catholic Church has fooled you as well Mrs Gullible... Gussit. That's what they want you to believe. And I've been thinking...

  Geraldine Granger : Ooh. Always a worry.

• Alice Horton : [after Geraldine saw Harry talking on the phone to a lady friend he knew]  Oh love. What fools it makes of us all.

  Geraldine Granger : [sitting on the sofa, disappointed]  Yes indeed.

  Alice Horton : Week after week I've been snogging that new puppy and then whoops-a-daisy I've got a great big mouth ulcer.

  Geraldine Granger : [uninterested]  What a lovely romantic story.

  Alice Horton : Do you remember when you were dating David's brother and you jumped into that puddle just to show off? You went in right up to your neck.

  Geraldine Granger : Yeah well I won't be doing that again, no matter how cute a chap is.

  Alice Horton : [gasps]  Oh gosh! How's it going with Mr. Dreamboat?

  [Geraldine looks down] 

  Alice Horton : Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?

  Geraldine Granger : [annoyed]  No Alice! He hasn't!

  [Alice makes a cute sound] 

  Geraldine Granger : Shut up and get out!

• [Post credits. Alice is screaming with delight at Geraldine's engagement] 

  Geraldine Granger : Settle down! Settle down! Marriage is very exciting, but we can't scream for the rest of our lives, can we?

  Alice Horton : No.

  Geraldine Granger : So, here's a joke to celebrate.

  Alice Horton : Great.

  Geraldine Granger : What do accountants do when they're constipated?

  Alice Horton : Hmmm, I don't know. What do accounts do when they're constipated?

  Geraldine Granger : They work it out with a pencil!

  [laughs] 

  Geraldine Granger : Do you get it?

  Alice Horton : What? They stick a pencil up their bottom? That is *disgusting*!

  Geraldine Granger : No, it's a joke, Alice!

  Alice Horton : It's no joke if the pencil breaks! They've got half a pencil up there! They'd be more constipated than ever!

  Geraldine Granger : No, they WORK IT OUT!

  Alice Horton : I cannot believe you are marrying a man who sticks a pencil up his botty! What if he leaves it lying around? You might use it as a pencil!

  Geraldine Granger : [Aside]  I don't know why I bother, I swear.

  [Swigs her tea] 

  Alice Horton : I mean, I don't know about you, but when I use a pencil, I tend to do this, look, when I'm thinking.

  [Picks up a pencil and sucks it] 

  Geraldine Granger : Well, I think 'thinking' is a bit of a strong word, isn't it?

  Alice Horton : [Looking at the pencil]  Oh, to think it might have been up an accountant's backside!

  [Shudders and puts the pencil down] 

  Alice Horton : It doesn't bear thinking about!

  Geraldine Granger : No, that's very true.

  Alice Horton : [sighs]  Here's your pencil.

  [Pushes it across the table to Geraldine] 

  Geraldine Granger : [Picks it up]  Actually no, that isn't mine, that's one of Harry's.

  [Alice rushes out of the room and vomits off screen. Geraldine laughs]