- Alice Horton: [to Geraldine about Harry] Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?
- Harry Kennedy: Fine. Excellent, if Christmas sounds good to you?
- Geraldine Granger: Yeah, yeah well let's check the book.
- [confused, Harry walks further into the room as Geraldine takes out the book]
- Geraldine Granger: This is the Church Diary. Let's have a look.
- [Geraldine picks up a pen and opens the book]
- Geraldine Granger: Yep. There's a gap on the 22nd if that suits.
- Harry Kennedy: Excellent.
- Geraldine Granger: [makes a note] Good. Well look, while we're here we might as well get some of the other admin done mightn't we?
- [Harry looks confused as Geraldine takes out another notebook]
- Geraldine Granger: Let's try this one. Uh right, so your full name is Harry...
- Harry Kennedy: Jasper Kennedy.
- Geraldine Granger: [makes a note] Oh right. Well I hope that doesn't get a giggle.
- Harry Kennedy: [laughing] Fingers crossed.
- Geraldine Granger: Yep. And what's the full name of the *lucky lady* in question?
- Harry Kennedy: Um, well... I don't know her middle name.
- Geraldine Granger: Oh well, we can fill that in later, can't we? And just pray that that isn't embarrassing as well otherwise it's going to be like a sitcom out there.
- Geraldine Granger: [writing in a notebook] Right, so just her first and last name then.
- Harry Kennedy: Well...
- Geraldine Granger: Come on Harry. You shouldn't be marrying someone if you don't even know their name.
- Harry Kennedy: [slowly] Well... obviously it's... Geraldine...
- Geraldine Granger: [writing] Geraldine...
- Harry Kennedy: Granger.
- Geraldine Granger: [writing] Grange...
- [Geraldine turns around]
- Geraldine Granger: [shocked] Pardon?
- Harry Kennedy: Geraldine Granger... I'm asking you to marry me, Geraldine Granger.
- [first lines]
- Jim Trott: [during a meeting] And I was down to the last two boxes! £250,000 in one box, 10p in the other! And the Banker offered me £100,000, and No-no-no-no-no-no-Noel Edmonds asked me the question, "Deal or No Deal?" Well, I wanted to deal. So I said, "No-no-no-no-no deal." And for some reason that I cannot fathom, they thought I meant, "No-no-no-no deal."
- Owen Newitt: And what was in your box?
- Jim Trott: [holds up a coin] 10p.
- Harry Kennedy: [answers the door and meets Geraldine and Alice] Oh, hello.
- Geraldine Granger, Alice Horton: Hello.
- Harry Kennedy: Come in?
- Geraldine Granger: Yes lovely.
- [they enter the house]
- Harry Kennedy: [moves a large box] Sorry it's a bit of a mess. I just moved out of a student big flat in London it's gonna be a bit of a squeeze squeezing it all in so uh, well if you see anything you like the look of just steal it I'll never know.
- Alice Horton: Really?
- Geraldine Granger: [to Alice] No, not really.
- Harry Kennedy: Oh, I'm Harry by the way. Sorry. All over the shop today.
- Geraldine Granger: [shaking Harry's hand] Oh, right and I'm Geraldine. I just live down the lane.
- Harry Kennedy: Excellent.
- Geraldine Granger: Yeah.
- Alice Horton: And I'm Alice.
- Harry Kennedy: [shakes her hand] Splendid! Well, what a suprise so I actually recieve a visit from a neighbour. I lived on the same street in London for 15 whole years and the bell never rang once.
- Alice Horton: Oh, we had a bell like that.
- Harry Kennedy: I've thought about it a lot and talked about it a lot, and thought whether or not... you would consider... marrying me.
- [pause]
- Geraldine Granger: [thinking that Harry means Rosie] Well... yes of course. I'd be delighted to.
- [Geraldine walks into the lounge, annoyed]
- Harry Kennedy: [pleased] That's wonderful news!
- Geraldine Granger: Have you thought about any dates?
- Harry Kennedy: Um, well I-I I thought we might be able to discuss that a little.
- Geraldine Granger: Well I might put a little punt in for Christmas. It's always a very romantic time of year.
- Harry Kennedy: Fine. Excellent, if Christmas sounds good to you?
- Alice Horton: [walks into the lounge] I've been thinking.
- [Alice sits on the sofa next to Geraldine]
- Alice Horton: Should've been you.
- [meaning Geraldine and Harry]
- Geraldine Granger: Oh well...
- Alice Horton: [walks out of the kitchen carrying two cups and gives one to Geraldine] I've been reading that fantastic new book from the Bible.
- Geraldine Granger: [confused] *What* fantastic new book from the Bible?
- Alice Horton: The Da Vinci Code. You know it's *so* much better than Genesis and that boring old stuff.
- Geraldine Granger: I hate to tell you Alice but The Da Vinci Code is *not* a new book in the Bible. It's just a story.
- Alice Horton: [downcast] Oh, that is so disappointing.
- Geraldine Granger: [broken voice] I know.
- Alice Horton: To think that Catholic Church has fooled you as well Mrs Gullible... Gussit. That's what they want you to believe. And I've been thinking...
- Geraldine Granger: Ooh. Always a worry.
- [Geraldine watches from a bush as a taxi pulls up in front of Harry's house. Harry comes outside as the taxi's right back door opens]
- Rosie Kennedy: [excited] Hey!
- Harry Kennedy: [kindly taking a large red bag] What time do you call this?
- [Harry puts the red bag in his house and comes outside again]
- Rosie Kennedy: Aww, come here.
- [Harry and Rosie hug each other]
- Rosie Kennedy: I just love you.
- Harry Kennedy: Right. I'm taking you for a walk. It's so romantic round here when you get the juices flowing.
- Rosie Kennedy: That's gorgeous isn't it?
- David Horton: [looking at the meeting agenda] Any other, other business?
- Geraldine Granger: Uh, yes actually there is something. I was very cross to hear that Sleepy Cottage has been sold to yet another layabout Londoner. I mean, honestly guys if this goes on, Dibley will be a ghost town. And then...
- David Horton: Who you gonna call?
- Owen Newitt, Jim Trott, Hugo Horton, Frank Pickle: Ghostbusters!
- Geraldine Granger: Over to you David.
- David Horton: Yes well, there is one little thing: I brought along a bottle of champagne, because although she may not realize it, the Vicar last weekend did her 100th Wedding while she's been here.
- [everyone cheers and David pops the cork off the bottle as Hugo brings glasses to the table]
- Geraldine Granger: [surprised] Really? 100? Goodness me. So that's 100 happy-in-love brides and grooms and... and I'm always the Vicar... I'm never the bride...
- [Geraldine starts to break down]
- Geraldine Granger: I'm alw-I'm always in the cassack... I'm never in the lovely big white frocks...
- [Geraldine starts crying]
- Alice Horton: [after Geraldine saw Harry talking on the phone to a lady friend he knew] Oh love. What fools it makes of us all.
- Geraldine Granger: [sitting on the sofa, disappointed] Yes indeed.
- Alice Horton: Week after week I've been snogging that new puppy and then whoops-a-daisy I've got a great big mouth ulcer.
- Geraldine Granger: [uninterested] What a lovely romantic story.
- Alice Horton: Do you remember when you were dating David's brother and you jumped into that puddle just to show off? You went in right up to your neck.
- Geraldine Granger: Yeah well I won't be doing that again, no matter how cute a chap is.
- Alice Horton: [gasps] Oh gosh! How's it going with Mr. Dreamboat?
- [Geraldine looks down]
- Alice Horton: Has he driven his purple Porsche in your personal parking space yet?
- Geraldine Granger: [annoyed] No Alice! He hasn't!
- [Alice makes a cute sound]
- Geraldine Granger: Shut up and get out!
- Harry Kennedy: Any handsome strangers ever sweep you of your feet?
- Geraldine Granger: No... no. Not yet.
- [Post credits. Alice is screaming with delight at Geraldine's engagement]
- Geraldine Granger: Settle down! Settle down! Marriage is very exciting, but we can't scream for the rest of our lives, can we?
- Alice Horton: No.
- Geraldine Granger: So, here's a joke to celebrate.
- Alice Horton: Great.
- Geraldine Granger: What do accountants do when they're constipated?
- Alice Horton: Hmmm, I don't know. What do accounts do when they're constipated?
- Geraldine Granger: They work it out with a pencil!
- [laughs]
- Geraldine Granger: Do you get it?
- Alice Horton: What? They stick a pencil up their bottom? That is *disgusting*!
- Geraldine Granger: No, it's a joke, Alice!
- Alice Horton: It's no joke if the pencil breaks! They've got half a pencil up there! They'd be more constipated than ever!
- Geraldine Granger: No, they WORK IT OUT!
- Alice Horton: I cannot believe you are marrying a man who sticks a pencil up his botty! What if he leaves it lying around? You might use it as a pencil!
- Geraldine Granger: [Aside] I don't know why I bother, I swear.
- [Swigs her tea]
- Alice Horton: I mean, I don't know about you, but when I use a pencil, I tend to do this, look, when I'm thinking.
- [Picks up a pencil and sucks it]
- Geraldine Granger: Well, I think 'thinking' is a bit of a strong word, isn't it?
- Alice Horton: [Looking at the pencil] Oh, to think it might have been up an accountant's backside!
- [Shudders and puts the pencil down]
- Alice Horton: It doesn't bear thinking about!
- Geraldine Granger: No, that's very true.
- Alice Horton: [sighs] Here's your pencil.
- [Pushes it across the table to Geraldine]
- Geraldine Granger: [Picks it up] Actually no, that isn't mine, that's one of Harry's.
- [Alice rushes out of the room and vomits off screen. Geraldine laughs]
- Geraldine Granger: We'll just pray that THAT isn't embarrassing as well, otherwise it's gonna be like a SITCOM out there!