American Dad! (TV Series)

I Can't Stan You (2007)

Seth MacFarlane: Stan Smith, Roger the Alien, Greg Corbin

Quotes 

• Roger Smith : [pretending to be a realtor]  You must be the Hannigans. Maurice Barnes, All-Star Realty. You're gonna love this house.

  [handing Mrs. Hannigan a leaflet] 

  Roger Smith : Here you go. I'm also a singer-songwriter, I'm playing a gig at Sarah's Coffehouse next Thursday; plugging my new self-released CD, real soul-searching, heavy stuff. Buy the house, don't buy the house: you're comped eather way, don't let it influence your decision. My mother killed herself when I was 12, track four. One of the paramedics molested me on the way to the morgue, it's in the liner notes. Come in, come in come in! Now, I love these built-ins, you don't see these anymore.

  [inside the house] 

  Roger Smith : And these are walls! You know, when people say the walls are closing in on them? Well, this is what they're referring to. So, do we have a deal?

• the Mexican : We are so pleased you have chosen to purchase your own restaurant in the Señor Toad's family. Ribbit! It's like "olè". Anyways, here is your official Señor Toad sombrero and your complimentary fire extinguisher that shoots tequila.

  Roger Smith : Is this heaven?

  the Mexican : No. It's Mexico.

  Roger Smith : That makes sense, 'cause it smells like Mexico.

• Stan Smith : I'm surrounded by people who hate me. It's our wedding all over again.

• Roger Smith : [while on the phone]  I was making my grandchildren some of your French onion soup. I poured the contents of the can into a saucepan and out plops a human finger. Now, the stress of this incident has given me walking nightmares, street terrors, diabetes and hysterical pregnancy.

• Stan Smith : [to Johnny as he pulls out his gun]  Bam!

  [Johnny screams] 

• Stan Smith : [to Johnny]  Bam! Dead kid! Mama's crying as she takes your crayon drawings off the fridge!

• Stan Smith : [while on the phone]  Hi. I have to sell my house because my neighbors don't like me. Yes, that's the only reason. Well, I guess you and I have different definitions of silly. Remind me to never go to the circus with you.

• Roger Smith : Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?

  Mrs. Hannigan : Well, are you?

• Stan Smith : I am a rock. I am an island. I am incontinent. Get it? Sounds like "continent."

• Stan Smith : You know, you're a real bright kid, Johnny. I gotta say, I've lived in this neighborhood for a long time and...

  [pulls out his gun] 

  Stan Smith : Bam!

  [Johnny screams] 

  Stan Smith : Dead kid in the cornfield! Crows picking out your eyes! Mama can't find you for weeks!

  Johnny Collins : You're an ass, Mr. Smith.

  Stan Smith : And you're funny-looking.

• Roger the Alien : [real estate scam]  Oh look, another serious buyer.

  Husband : But you're so young

  Wife : How can you possibly afford this house?

  Steve Smith : Remember the kid from Jerry Maguire?

  Husband : Yes.

  Wife : Of course.

  Steve Smith : Well, he pays me to call hotels before his arrival to ensure they have pillows that can support his massive head. I do quite well. Which is why I'm prepared to offer you $99,000. And not a penny more.

  Roger the Alien : Oh, yeah? Let me see the cash. I don't need to see the cash. Well, Hannigan, what's it going to be? You gonna offer me 100 K, or are you going to let Jonathan Lipnicki's bitch make you look like a punk in front of your hot wife?

  Wife : Well, are you?