Stephanie Cole: Diana Trent

Quotes 

• [first lines] 

  Tom : What a lovely day. Heart's ticking over like an excellent motor; lungs easing in and out like contented bellows; prostate doing what a prostate oughta do. In fact:

  [sings] 

  Tom : I'm as corny as Kansas in August/ High as a flag on the fourth of July / And if you'll excuse the expression I use / I'm in love with a wonderful guy!

  [Diana looks at him] 

  Tom : Uh, that's the song. I'm not really in love with a wonderful guy.

  Diana : Oh, go on, be the oldest man to come out of the closet; give us all a chance to be positive and supportive and all those other wonderfully politically correct thingummies.

  Tom : Thought you didn't like political correctness.

  Diana : Oh, no, no, I think it's a wonderful fad. Probably not as spiritually uplifting as the hula hoop but undoubtedly better for the health.

  Tom : One day the thought police will get you, Diana.

  Diana : Oh yes, and I will be clubbed to the cold stone floor still proclaiming my right to be as tasteless and offensive and politically incorrect as I ever was and ever will be, amen.

• [last lines] 

  Diana : Well, thank God for the mad burghers of Brussels.

  Tom : Why are they mad?

  Diana : Well, the great crested newt is only rare in Europe; in England, we've got millions of the little sods. But nowadays it's the same law for everyone. Damn silly, but worth exploiting if you can.

  Tom : You're such a wicked old tart.

  Diana : I am. And speaking of newts, why don't we go and indulge in one of their favourite pastimes?

  Tom : What's that?

  Diana : I'll give you a clue: mine's a double.

  Tom : Hah! Double hernias. That sounds fun. Taxi!