Waiting for God (TV Series)
The Bayview Conservation Society (1994)
Graham Crowden: Tom
Quotes
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[first lines]
Tom : What a lovely day. Heart's ticking over like an excellent motor; lungs easing in and out like contented bellows; prostate doing what a prostate oughta do. In fact:
[sings]
Tom : I'm as corny as Kansas in August/ High as a flag on the fourth of July / And if you'll excuse the expression I use / I'm in love with a wonderful guy!
[Diana looks at him]
Tom : Uh, that's the song. I'm not really in love with a wonderful guy.
Diana : Oh, go on, be the oldest man to come out of the closet; give us all a chance to be positive and supportive and all those other wonderfully politically correct thingummies.
Tom : Thought you didn't like political correctness.
Diana : Oh, no, no, I think it's a wonderful fad. Probably not as spiritually uplifting as the hula hoop but undoubtedly better for the health.
Tom : One day the thought police will get you, Diana.
Diana : Oh yes, and I will be clubbed to the cold stone floor still proclaiming my right to be as tasteless and offensive and politically incorrect as I ever was and ever will be, amen.
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[last lines]
Diana : Well, thank God for the mad burghers of Brussels.
Tom : Why are they mad?
Diana : Well, the great crested newt is only rare in Europe; in England, we've got millions of the little sods. But nowadays it's the same law for everyone. Damn silly, but worth exploiting if you can.
Tom : You're such a wicked old tart.
Diana : I am. And speaking of newts, why don't we go and indulge in one of their favourite pastimes?
Tom : What's that?
Diana : I'll give you a clue: mine's a double.
Tom : Hah! Double hernias. That sounds fun. Taxi!
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Tom : You are a hateful and despicable person and I hate and despise you.