John Turturro: Simmons
Photos
Quotes
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Leo Spitz : [about Simmons] You know him?
Sam Witwicky : We're old friends.
Agent Simmons : Old FRIENDS? You are the case that shut down Sector Seven. Now that it disbanded, no security clearance, no retirement, no nothing! All because of you!
[looks at Mikaela]
Agent Simmons : And your little criminal girlfriend. Look at her now, so mature.
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Agent Simmons : One man, alone...
Leo Spitz : Stop saying that!
Agent Simmons : ...betrayed by the country he loves...
Leo Spitz : Oh, my goodness, I'm in the car with you. You're not alone.
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Jetfire : This planet was visited by our race once before, by our earliest ancestors, millennia ago. They were on an exploratory mission to harvest Energon, the lifeblood of our race. Without it, we'll all perish, oxidize and rust... like my wretched self! Do you have any idea what it's like to slowly fall part and die?
Agent Simmons : Let's not get episodic, okay, old-timer? Beginning, middle, end. Facts, details. Condense: Plot. Tell it!
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[Leo comes out of bathroom with pants down and trips, accidentally tazers himself in the chest and falls on top of the guard he had just tased]
Agent Simmons : [entering the toilet] What is going on here?
Leo Spitz : [in agony] How many times can you get tazered in the nuts before you can't have kids?
Agent Simmons : You're an amateur, kid, a rank amateur.
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Wheelie : I will have so many Decepticons on your butt!
Mikaela Banes : [brings out blowtorch] Hey, behave!
Sam Witwicky : What is it, a Decepticon?
Mikaela Banes : Yeah.
Sam Witwicky : And you're training him?
Mikaela Banes : I'm trying to.
Agent Simmons : I spent my whole adult life combing the planet for aliens, and you're carrying around one in your purse like a little Chihuahua.
Wheelie : Huh? Do you want a throwdown, you pubic 'fro-head?
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[surrounded by Devastator's Constructicon vehicles]
Agent Simmons : You ever see "Gunfight at the O.K. Corral"?
Leo Spitz : No.
Agent Simmons : Starring Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas?
Leo Spitz : No, why?
Agent Simmons : Looks like we're right in the middle of it.
Leo Spitz : Is that good?
Agent Simmons : A lot of people died.
[the Constructicons transform and combine to form Devastator]
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Agent Simmons : Before I got fired, I looked through Sector Seven's crown jewel. Several files of alien research point to one inescapable fact: the Transformers, they've been here a long, long time. How do I know?
[tosses a box file to Leo]
Agent Simmons : Archeologists found these unexplained markings on ancient ruins all over the world: China, Egypt, Greece...
[runs an old film that shows archeologists and the said markings]
Agent Simmons : Shot in 1932. These the symbols you're seeing in your head? Same ones over here, right? So tell me, how did they end up all drawing the same thing?... Aliens. And I think some of them stayed. Check this out: Project Black Knife...
[holds up photos of vehicles]
Agent Simmons : Robots in disguise, hiding here! We detected radioactive signatures all across the country. I pleaded on my knees with S-7 to investigate, but they said the readings were infinitesimal, that I was obsessed! Me! Can you imagine that?
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Jetfire : I have issues of my own, and it started with my mother! My ancestors have been here for centuries! My father, why, he was a wheel! The FIRST wheel! Do you know what he tranformed into?
Agent Simmons : No.
Leo Spitz : What?
Jetfire : NOTHING! But he did so with honour! DIGNITY, damn it!
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[Wheelie leads the group to an SR-71 Blackbird jet]
Wheelie : Oh, there he is... This guy's a legend, like the Chairman of the Board! Yo, freshman, point the shard and watch the magic happen.
[Sam sticks the Allspark shard into the jet. Mikaela makes a closer examination of the plane, and discovers a symbol...]
Mikaela Banes : Oh, shit... It's a Deception!
Agent Simmons : Decepticon? Behind the MiG NOW!
[Sam, Mikaela, Leo and Simmons scramble away as the Blackbird transforms]
Jetfire : What sort of hideous mausoleum is this?
[Jetfire spots the humans]
Jetfire : Answer me, pawns and knaves! Show yourselves, or suffer my infinite wrath!
[Cautiously, the humans approach the robot]
Jetfire : You little spinal-cord-based organisms...!
[bangs his head on a model of a satellite, which drops and just misses Sam]
Jetfire : Oh, bugger it!
[stands upright]
Jetfire : Behold, the eternal glory of Jetfire! Prepare for remote systems override!
Wheelie : I tell you, this guy did NOT age well!
Mikaela Banes : I don't think he's gonna hurt us...
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Sam Witwicky : Look, I am slowly losing my mind, okay? I had a little crab bot plug in to my brain and start projecting little alien symbols like a freaking home movie! And on top of that, I am a wanted fugitive! So you think you got it rough?
Agent Simmons : You said it projected images from your brain?
Sam Witwicky : Yeah.
Agent Simmons : Meat locker, now!
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Agent Simmons : [positioned under Devastator on the pyramid to give a position for the rail gun, sees two wrecking balls hanging from Devastator's groin] I am directly below... the enemy's scrotum.
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[At dawn, Sam looks up in the sky and makes a discovery]
Sam Witwicky : [points at a cluster of stars] See those stars, see how the last one touches the horizon? That's Orion's Belt. It's also called the Three Kings, the reason for that is because the three Egyptian kings who ruled in Giza built them to mirror those stars. So, it's like an arrow staring you in the face...
Agent Simmons : They all point due east, towards Jordan. The mountains of Petra...
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Leo Spitz : That's it! No mas! I'm not going anywhere, all right? And you guys are crazy! You don't even know where you're going! I'm staying! Who's with me, huh?
[no response]
Leo Spitz : Viva la revolution!
Mikaela Banes : Good luck, Leo.
Sam Witwicky : Enjoy the heat!
Agent Simmons : You're better off staying, you're slowing down the mission. I give you twenty minutes before the vultures start pecking at you like lunch meat! Try swallowing your tongue, go out quickly. End it with dignity.
[Everyone gets in the car and leaves]
Leo Spitz : Wait, wait, wait! Don't leave me with this old-ass plane... WAIT!
[runs after the convoy]
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Leo Spitz : Dead pigs.
Mikaela Banes : YUCK!
Agent Simmons : What you are about to see is top secret. Do *not* tell my mother!
[Simmons reveals a secret bunker in a meat locker]
Leo Spitz : Swine flu, not good.
Agent Simmons : Now you know: next time you eat a goat or a pig, there's a story behind it, sad little story.
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[in the middle of the Egyptian desert]
Leo Spitz : [looking around] Hey, I think we're in Vegas!
Agent Simmons : That really, really hurt. You're just lucky that I didn't get hurt! People could have gotten killed, okay? And if I would have gotten hurt, you would have heard...
Jetfire : Oh, shut up! I told you I was opening a space bridge, it's the fastest way to travel to Egypt.
Sam Witwicky : [his hand injured and bandaged] When did you... When did you tell us? You didn't tell us anything. You didn't tell us anything. Why are we in Egypt?
Jetfire : Don't you get snippy with me, fleshling! You were duly informed!
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[Devastator climbs the Great Pyramid]
Agent Simmons : Oh, God, this is it. The Pyramid's built right over the machine! They turn that machine on... no more sun. Not on my watch. Not on MY watch!
[climbs the Pyramid]
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Mikaela Banes : You live with your momma?
Agent Simmons : No, my momma lives with me. There's a big difference.
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Agent Simmons : [handing out a jar] Here, take one of these pills and slip it under your tongue. It's the high concentrate Polymer they put in Oreo cookies. It flukes the polygraph every time.
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[a diminutive Egyptian Guard comes up to them]
Agent Simmons : These are my people. I'm one-thirty-six Arab.
Wheelie : Great, a freaking Munchkin! Little people are mean. Tell him he's tall.
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[Leo observes Frenzy's head in a jar]
Agent Simmons : Hey! Still radioactive, hands off!
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[Sam, Mikaela, Leo and Simmons run after Jetfire, the Autobots joining in the chase]
Agent Simmons : [looking back at the smashed wall] The museum is going to be very angry, very angry! We gotta catch that plane!
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[drawing away the Decepticons]
Agent Simmons : One man, alone, abandoned by the country he loves...
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[on the radio with a difficult captain]
Agent Simmons : We have got the mother of ALL NBEs on us...!
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[Devastator is destroyed]
Agent Simmons : YEAH!
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Leo Spitz : [breaking down during the assault by the Decepticons] Oh, God. Please, God! Please...!
Mikaela Banes : Leo, stop freaking out, stop freaking out.
Agent Simmons : Shut this guy up, huh?
Leo Spitz : Please, just let me live, just let me live!
Mikaela Banes : Shut up and let him drive!
Sam Witwicky : Just stop screaming...
Agent Simmons : All right, that's it!
[tases Leo, rendering him unconscious]
Agent Simmons : I can't take that guy anymore.
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Leo Spitz : We're trusting old Grandpa Blackbird, who can't even remember which planet he's on?
[at Petra]
Agent Simmons : Well, in his defense, this is the biggest doorway I've seen in my life.
Leo Spitz : All right. Let me do a quick check.
[looks around]
Leo Spitz : Nope! Doesn't look like archeologists have been here, guys?
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Agent Simmons : Sometimes you make it to the end of the rainbow, and a leprechaun's placed a booby-trap on you!
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Agent Simmons : [ripping off pants and throwing them to Sam] Hold those.
[he is wearing a jock strap]
Sam Witwicky : What is THAT?
Agent Simmons : What? Oh, I wear it when I'm in a funk. So does Giambi, Jeter... It's a baseball thing.
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Agent Simmons : [about the Great Pyramid] Aliens built that! Yeah!
