- Sheldon Sampson: The world never used to be so intentionally cruel. It used to be that if you gave your kids everything they needed, they'd be okay. That you protect your country, they call you a hero.
- Sheldon Sampson: Look, he needs to see that there are consequences to his actions.
- Grace Kennedy-Sampson: This isn't a lesson. This is a punishment.
- Sheldon Sampson: Since when are those two things mutually exclusive?
- Barnabas: [to Brandon] If your mother had any sense, you'd be calling me Daddy.
- Walter Sampson: Can we just skip being an asshole?
- Barnabas: If you're going to be unwell, please direct it away from me. I can only manipulate inorganic matter. And this coat is Italian cashmere.
- Grace Kennedy-Sampson: Oh, I know shit when I smell it, Larry! Don't wave it under my nose and call it a bouquet!
- Larry: Come on, Grace. Be reasonable.
- Grace Kennedy-Sampson: Oh, "Come on, Grace." Shove it up your ass, Larry, and don't stop until the shit hits your brain if there's room for any more up there!
- Grace Kennedy-Sampson: Because I'm a dame in a skirt and not some sap with a penis to swing around.
- George Hutchence: Debatable.