Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Nancy Pelosi, Andrew Yang, Joe Walsh, Kara Swisher and Jon Meacham (2020)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Himself - Host : It-it has been a-a... a very long eight weeks, but I finally finished "The Irishman", so I...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I, uh... that's a long... boy... De Niro looks great; I aged 40 years. That's...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But, uh, yeah, we've been on vacation for two months. I tell you, when I'm on vacation, you know, I have to. I have to recharge the batteries in my vape, and I...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : I to... I don't follow the news, but of course, now I'm back to work, I was following Trump all week, and I just got to say... I need a vacation.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : [laughing to himself]  It's one week.

• Himself - Host : But this impeachment trial is happening. The Republicans, of course, are...

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : The Republicans are t... desperately trying to keep any witnesses from testifying, as you do when you're completely innocent.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Mitch McConnell says "We will leave no stone turned."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : But, it's, you know... and... you know he's gonna get acquitted. I mean, trial? Please. We shouldn't even use the word. It's a few minutes of rope formalities followed by Trump getting off.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Or... or as Melania calls it, sex.

• Himself - Host : Did you see the debate? That got nasty. The Democratic debate; as you know, Elizabeth Warren, a couple of weeks ago, played the woman card and said Bernie, in a private meeting a couple of years ago, said a woman can't get elected president. And then, at the debate, Bernie was asked about this, and he said "No, I didn't."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And he said and besides that, the fact that he would say that is just like a woman.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : So... so, after the debate, Elizabeth Warren went right up to him, you saw this moment, and he went to shake her hand, and she said "Don't touch me!"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : If you haven't seen the movie "Marriage Story", this is like that movie in seven seconds.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And she's like "You called me a liar", and he's like "Why are you bringing up old shit?"

• Himself - Host : New rule: this zookeeper must tell us exactly what she's afraid this pelican might say, and...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...and Mitch McConnell wants to know "are you available to work at an impeachment trial?"

• Himself - Host : New rule: this Oscar season, the Academy must not forget Harvey Weinstein's performance in "I'm Too Crippled to Go to Jail".

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Talk about convincing; does this look like a guy who could chase Gwyneth Paltrow around a desk?

• Himself - Host : New rule: if you're a suburban liberal who puts up one of those "immigrants are welcome here" signs, random Guatemalans get to take you up on it.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Let's see how welcome the Coopertons really are when they come home from yoga to find Jorge Sosa and his family spread out all over the restoration hardware and Spanish subtitles on the Netflix account.

• Himself - Host : We have an amazing show to come back with; our bookers outdid themselves. Nancy Pelosi is here tonight.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And, uh... and Andrew Yang is here tonight.

  [more cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And, you know, and of course, his supporters, his supporters are called the Yang Gang, and Bernie's supporters are called the Bernie Bros, and, uh, Trump's supporters are called Russians.

• Himself - Host : So, maybe the most important thing that happened was a new book came out, by two reporters from the Washington Post, where Trump called America's top generals, the military people who we always say, you know, "we thank you for your service", said they were "dopes and babies", said this right to their face. This was in a meeting a couple of years ago, when he said "I wouldn't go to war with you." And they were like "Yeah, we know. We were in Vietnam."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Himself - Host : So... I'm ending with that to remind you this is it. This the year. This is 2020, this is where it's gonna have to happen, where we desperately need to get rid of this man. He needs to be removed...

  [cheers and applause] 

  Himself - Host : And there's... there's only three ways he goes: impeachment, election, or fried chicken.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : And I don't have faith in the first or the third. So *we* are going to have to make that happen.

• Himself - Host : Speaking of Russians in the news, did you see this week, the return... uh, previously on "Real Time", I feel I should do one of those, remember this character, Lev Parnas from last season? Oh, yeah, looks like the Uber driver who says to you "You want girl?"

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "I get you girl." But...

  [laughing] 

  Himself - Host : Wow, did he come out of hiding in a big way; he's on every show. He started with Rachel Maddow, she did a great job interviewing him. Every... everything... apparently, everything, he-he says, he told that... he and Giuliani were doing in Ukraine came at the direct... the direction of President Trump. And, of course, Republicans are saying that Parnas is making something out of nothing. I say cheap shot; leave his hair out of this.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : Trump, of course, denies even knowing him. He always does this; some day, I promise you, Don Jr. is gonna get indicted, and Trump will say "I knew him very briefly."

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : "He was my son for a short period of time. I had my picture taken with a lot of people."

• Himself - Host : And this just was the most amazing thing today; Trump announced some of the people on his dream team of lawyers. Did you see this? Ken Starr; yes, *that* Ken Starr.

  [laughing] 

  Himself - Host : The guy for whom the blowjob was too much; he's defending this... this impeachment guy. And also, Alan Dershowitz, who has defended Weinstein, O.J., and now Trump. Wow. Think about that: Trump, Weinstein, and O.J.; Flabby, Grabby, and Stabby.

• Himself - Host : But the, uh, the trial will begin on-on Tuesday, and the, uh, you know... this is in the Senate, where they've... take their decorum, right? The Senate, very seriously, not those animals in the House. We...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : We have decorum. So there's gonna be no phones, no talking. So expect a lot of tension, a lot of angry glares, a lot of dirty looks. And that's just between Elizabeth...

  [laughing] 

  Himself - Host : ...Warren and Bernie Sanders.

• Himself - Host : New rule: the Golden Globes must stop patting themselves on the back for going vegan. Nobody eats at award shows; some are too coked up...

  [scattered laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...others can't chew because of the Botox...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : ...and it's award season; come on, the meals that do get eaten will just be thrown up.

  [laughter and groans] 

  Himself - Host : Really? You're so sensitive about actresses throwing up their dinner at an award show.

• Himself - Host : New rule: people who participate in the new fad of perinium sunning...

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : No, this is a thing.

  Herself - Panelist : I knew you were waiting to come back.

  Himself - Host : ...where you expose your anus to solar rays...

  Himself - Panelist : Is it real?

  Himself - Host : It's real; must never ask me to the beach.

  [laughter] 

  Himself - Host : You've not only ruined sunbathing, you've ruined the phrase "stick it where the sun don't shine."