- The Widow Likkin: [screams] My husband, the Colonel, he's dead!
- Ned: He's not just dead... he's extra crispy!
- The Widow Likkin: Now that I have the recipe, that nice donut man and I are gonna go into business together: "Finger-Lickin' Donut Holes".
- Ned: Sounds delicious... and filthy!
- Olive Snook: America's favorite! You'll make a fortune.
- [Dwight Dixon is looking for the watch that he thinks is in Chuck's coffin but which Lily actually has. She confronts him with a loaded shotgun]
- Lily Charles: The way I see this, we both got something you want.
- Dwight Dixon: What would that be... my... spicy cocktail?
- Lily Charles: I got my daughter's watch... and you got your insides where you want 'em.
- Colonel Likkin: ...some carpetbaggin' coward snuck up behind, battered me in my own batter and shoved me into boilin' oil. That was murder, son.
- Ned: Really? And you didn't see who did it?
- Colonel Likkin: Attacked from behind. They were stealthy like a snake... or a Yankee.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: I need your help.
- Emerson Cod: Friend help or pay help?
- [Chuck sighs and hangs her head]
- Emerson Cod: See that? That's the kind of body language you never hear with pay help.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: But the big problem - maybe the biggest problem, in an objective sense - is the dishonesty with Ned. That and the making-someone-else-less-alive part.
- Emerson Cod: "Less alive". Nice euphemism, killer.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: We were at the cemetery in the dead of night. Maybe there was no one else there, maybe no one else died!
- Emerson Cod: Oh, you think this is a "sometimes" rule? Ned lets somebody live longer than a minute and somebody else has to die "sometimes"? No! It's an "every time" rule! There's some sucker out there dead in the leaves.
- Olive Snook: I know it's a tragedy, obviously, but you know what they say: "When God closes a door, he opens an oven".
- Emerson Cod: [ingratiatingly] Lily! Delighted.
- Lily Charles: Can the crap and sell it to the tourists. What are you doing here, Cod?
- Emerson Cod: What in the hell are you doing here?
- Lily Charles: Waiting for Dwight Dixon.
- Emerson Cod: Well, uh, he may, uh, disappoint - men do that. What's with the shotgun?
- Lily Charles: Military salute.
- Emerson Cod: [incredulously] For Dwight Dixon?
- Lily Charles: For Charles! But if I happen to miss and blow Dwight's head off - purely by accident - well, that's something my lawyers can pretty much sort out later.
- Marianne Marie Beattle: Working awful hard for disappointment over there!
- Olive Snook: [addressing Ned, smiling falsely] I'm going to win that blue ribbon, wrap it around her neck, and strangle her with it.
- Charlotte 'Chuck' Charles: Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity.
- Emerson Cod: Fine, I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on, get holy.
- Olive Snook: Sweet Lord in Heaven, I hate the Buffalo.
- Leo Burns: When you say "Buffalo" do you mean the noble breed of bison lost forever to settlers greed or the upstate New York hamlet still thirsting for Super Bowl glory?