- Charlie Harper: You've been to couples counseling, right?
- Alan Harper: Yeah. Why?
- Charlie Harper: I'm going with Chelsea and I need to know what I'm getting into.
- Alan Harper: Oh, you're going to love it.
- Charlie Harper: I am?
- Alan Harper: Absolutely. Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other while she snips off your testicles, reaches up inside your chest cavity and goes like this
- [flicks his finger several times]
- Alan Harper: to your heart.
- Charlie Harper: [grimacing] That doesn't sound very good.
- Alan Harper: [grinning maniacally] Oh, it's horrible! But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money, and your house, and your car, and
- [shouting]
- Alan Harper: every last shred of your self-respect!
- Charlie Harper: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
- Alan Harper: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the perfect guy to ask. When Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished,
- [shouting]
- Alan Harper: I came to live on your couch! God BLESS couples counseling!
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Anything bothering you lately?
- Charlie Harper: Well, there is this one thing, but I don't know if it's medical or psychological.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Tell me.
- Charlie Harper: Lately, I've passed up a couple of opportunities to get some strange.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: "Strange"?
- Charlie Harper: Oh. Women with whom I have not previously been acquainted.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Oh, right. "Strange". Charming.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: [talking about Chelsea] Why did she dump you?
- Charlie Harper: Who can understand a woman's mind?
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Yeah, we're pretty little puzzles, ain't we?
- Charlie Harper: So, it's not just me.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: [about Chelsea dumping him] So, how did you feel about losing her?
- Charlie Harper: What do you mean?
- Dr. Linda Freeman: What do I mean? Come on, Charlie. Dr. Seuss could diagnose this. You're stuffing yourself with crap to suppress your negative feelings.
- Charlie Harper: No, I'm pretty sure that's why I drink.
- Charlie Harper: [in a couples counseling sessions] Chelsea, look. I know I'm not perfect.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: [chuckles]
- Charlie Harper: Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Dr. Linda Freeman: I'm sorry. That was probably unprofessional.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: So, what else is going on with your life?
- Charlie Harper: Not much. I've been gaining a little weight for some reason. Maybe 'cause I haven't been sleeping well.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: [looks at him, as he keeps stuffing himself with another pudding cup] Yeah, that's probably it.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, and this one girl I've been seeing pretty regularly decided to dump me.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Huh.
- Charlie Harper: "Huh", what?
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Oh, nothing. It's just... Sometimes I feel like I'm stealing your money.
- Charlie Harper: [talks about his therapist] You should meet her.
- Chelsea: Are you suggesting we go to couples counseling?
- Charlie Harper: Sure. I mean, I want to work on our relationship, and what better way than couples counseling?
- Chelsea: You're serious.
- Charlie Harper: Well, of course I'm serious. What? You think I'd blurt out something like that in the spur of the moment in a desperate attempt to keep you from leaving?
- Chelsea: It occurred to me.
- [During couple's therapy, Charlie keeps putting his foot in his mouth]
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Charlie, can I give you my opinion as your therapist?
- Charlie Harper: Sure.
- Dr. Linda Freeman: Shut up!