- Warden: Mr. Kelly, you said that the defendant threatened that if you didn't, and I quote, "Stick things up your butt, he would rape your butt until the room stinks, and then he would eat your butt and his son's butt until his stomach was... full of butt."
- Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us is if he thinks we're already dead.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, great, I hope you'd say that. Great, let's kill ourselves. Let's do it.
- Dee Reynolds: [knocks on door] Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.
- Charlie Kelly: [sighs] Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.
- [after discovering a glory hole in their toilets]
- Dee Reynolds: Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?
- Dennis Reynolds: Well Dee, I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?
- Dee Reynolds: Are you buying this? That is ridiculous. Dennis, they left us a list of demands!
- Frank Reynolds: What're you talking about? That's their last will and testament. That is not demands!
- Dee Reynolds: It says at the top "List of Demands"!