It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (TV Series)

Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack (2008)

Rob McElhenney: Mac

Photos 

Quotes 

• Charlie Kelly : This company is being bled like a stuffed pig Mac, and I got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out, take a look at this.

  Mac : Jesus Christ, Charlie.

  Charlie Kelly : That right there is the mail. Now let's talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail please, Mac? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay? Pepe Silvia, this name keeps comin' up over and over and over again. Every day Pepe's mail's getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia, I look in the mail, this whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office, I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands! Otherwise he's never gonna get it, it's gonna keep coming back down here. So I go up to Pepe's office and what do I find out, Mac, what do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia. The man does not exist, okay? So I decided, ohh shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper. There's no Pepe Silvia, you gotta be kidding me, I got boxes full of Pepe! All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say, "Caaarol, Caaarol! I gotta talk to you about Pepe!" And when I open the door, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.

  Mac : Okay Charlie, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis. It's all they're talking about up there. Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.

  Charlie Kelly : Well calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.

  Mac : What?

  Charlie Kelly : We're not gonna get fired.

  Mac : We're not?

  Charlie Kelly : 'Cause we've already been fired.

  Mac : We've lost our jobs?

  Charlie Kelly : Yeah. About three days ago, a couple pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me. So what did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.

  Mac : Charlie, if we've lost our jobs that means we've lost our health insurance. Which means all of this was for nothing! Goddammit dude, I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.

  Charlie Kelly : Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?

  Mac : I am, bro.

  Charlie Kelly : All right, well fine. You know what, Barney, give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.

  Mac : Huh? Who?

  Charlie Kelly : Barney. He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.

  Mac : Barney? Who the hell is Barney?

  Charlie Kelly : You don't see Ba- oh, shit. Where the hell did he...?

  Mac : You've lost your mind. You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie!

• Dee Reynolds : What the shit is this?

  Charlie Kelly : Uh, Cheech over here bought himself a bong.

  Frank Reynolds : [taking a massive bong rip]  Holy shit Deandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.

  Dee Reynolds : I'm sorry? Those words don't make any s- sense... Oh God, you guys... Oh, weird, I feel weird.

  Mac : Rip another one, bro.

  Charlie Kelly : Yeah, say something else stupid too.

  Dee Reynolds : My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head? Is it hot, am I hot?

  Dennis Reynolds : I'm not touching you.

  Dee Reynolds : I'm serious you guys, something's not right. I...

  Frank Reynolds : You think there's bitches in the bar?

  Mac : What?

  Frank Reynolds : Bitches in the bar.

  Dee Reynolds : I feel like... I'm being really serious you guys, I need some help...

  [faints] 

  Dennis Reynolds : Uh God, what is her problem?

  Charlie Kelly : I don't know.

  [cue title "Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack"] 

• Charlie Kelly : Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail, okay? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.

  Mac : Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week?

  Charlie Kelly : Yeah man, help me out here.

  Mac : Hold on a second, bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.

  Charlie Kelly : Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.

  Mac : Uhh, have you seen the Secret of My Success?

  Charlie Kelly : Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you.

  Mac : Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me.

  Charlie Kelly : Uhhh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?

  Mac : Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooh, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the '80s, uh, Day Bow Bow.

• Dennis Reynolds : You know what's scary about this whole thing really is that I have the same genes as her.

  Mac : Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well. We lead a very rock 'n' roll lifestyle.

  Charlie Kelly : I know!

  Dee Reynolds : I just had a heart attack! Can we focus on me for two minutes here?

  Charlie Kelly : I feel like we did talk about you...

  Mac : Dee, your ship has sailed, okay? It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on. Guys, we gotta make sure this does not happen to us.

  Dennis Reynolds : Yeah, that's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves.