Family Guy (TV Series)

I Dream of Jesus (2008)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Marlee Matlin, Quahog Resident #2

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Can you believe the way Jesus is treating me? I thought he was my friend.

  Lois Griffin : Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people, Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way.

  Peter Griffin : Maybe, but one things for sure, Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!

• Peter Griffin : [Angrily]  Who did it?

  Stewie Griffin : Who did what, pop?

  Brian Griffin : Yes, Peter, what has you upset?

  Peter Griffin : Surfin' Bird. Is gone. I took it to bed, had sex wit it. It fell asleep in my arms and now this morning it's gone.

  Lois Griffin : Well, Peter, no one here would steal from you.

  [He begins to talk like a film noir detective] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, like you didn't have a motive, Lois. You all had a motive! You know that I changed my will and left everything to the record. That's why you wanted the record out of the way. Meg wanted to get a passport for her twin sister to get her out of the country but the record wouldn't allow it. Only she didn't count on me figuring out she has no twin sister and that Meg herself was recently released from the sanitarium. That's when Chris came into the picture.

  Chris Griffin : [He pulls a gun on Peter]  So you got it all figured out, do ya? You couldn't leave well enough alone.

  Peter Griffin : You won't fire at me, Chris. You haven't got the stomach for it.

  [Chris pulls the trigger and water shoots out of the gun onto Peter's chest. Chris laughs] 

  Chris Griffin : I'm sorry Dad, I have no idea what you're talking about.

• Peter Griffin : Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone.

  Lois Griffin : I sure am gonna miss him.

  Peter Griffin : Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : Something very special Lois.

  Meg Griffin : What is it, Dad?

  Peter Griffin : What you haven't heard?

  Stewie Griffin : Fuck!

  [Peter starts singing to "Surfin' Bird"] 

• Peter Griffin : Look at this place. They don't serve any of this 1950s food anymore. Hamburgers, French fries, Cokes...

  [giggling] 

  Peter Griffin : You kids don't know what I'm talking about.

  Lois Griffin : I love how all the servers look like celebrities from the '50s.

  [waiters walk by] 

  Lois Griffin : Marilyn Monroe, Elvis... and look, there's James Dean after the accident.

  James Dean : [slurring, with a steering wheel lodged in his head]  Let me tell you about tonight's specials.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, look, Cleveland finally made it.

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, hey, there, Griffins.

  [he's shot with a firehose by a group of police officers, the water pressure knocking him back outside] 

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, that takes me back.

• Lois Griffin : You know, kids, there's a lot of history here. These '50s diners were very popular in the '80s.

  Peter Griffin : Boy, am I gonna enjoy this meal. Not like last night when I didn't have time to poop before the guests arrived.

  [cut to him sitting on the couch in the living room] 

  Peter Griffin : Do I have time? You know what? I'm gonna go for it.

  [the doorbell rings just as he stands up and collects the newspaper] 

  Peter Griffin : Son of a bitch! Looks like I'm gonna have to pile dinner on top of that.

  [opening the front door] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, guys! How are you?

• Lois Griffin : Peter, will you give that song a rest? You've been playing it ever since we got home.

  Peter Griffin : No way, Lois, it's my new favorite thing in the world.

  [groaning in frustration, she turns the turntable off] 

  Peter Griffin : Lois, I'm gonna ask you this only once. Do you or do you not know know about the bird?

  Lois Griffin : Ugh! God!

  Peter Griffin : 'Cause everybody's heard that the bird is the word.

  [poking her in the nose] 

  Peter Griffin : A b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word/A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word/A-b-bird, bird, bird...

  Lois Griffin : [getting poked too hard]  Ow!

  Peter Griffin : Oh! Oh, God, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

  Lois Griffin : Look, just go to sleep, all right?

  [she turns the lights off] 

  Peter Griffin : [softly singing in the dark]  B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word/A-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird's the word/A-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word.

  [singing louder] 

  Peter Griffin : A-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word.

  [turning the light back on, he's laying on top of her] 

  Peter Griffin : A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word. A-b-b-bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word/A-b-b-bird...

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I have a mammogram in the morning.