The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)

The Cornhusker Vortex (2009)

Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon knows football?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Apparently.

  Howard Wolowitz : I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?

  Sheldon Cooper : I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Unbelievable.

  Sheldon Cooper : If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.

  Leonard Hofstadter : So you could teach me?

  Sheldon Cooper : Football or chicken fried meats?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.

  Sheldon Cooper : If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

• Sheldon Cooper : Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?

  Leonard Hofstadter : Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.

  Sheldon Cooper : How would you put it?

  Leonard Hofstadter : [pause]  Yeah, okay, like you said.

  Sheldon Cooper : Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term "ho."

• Leonard Hofstadter : Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun!

  Sheldon Cooper : That's exactly what my father said. "Come to the games! Watch the games!" Week in and week out, from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

• Sheldon Cooper : Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's?

  Leonard Hofstadter : What's wrong with a football jersey?

  Sheldon Cooper : Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.

  Leonard Hofstadter : It was the smallest size they had. Except the one for dogs. I can't believe they have one for dogs.

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

• Sheldon Cooper : All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.

  Leonard Hofstadter : I'm sorry?

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

• Leonard Hofstadter : When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?

  Sheldon Cooper : When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the Battlestar known as Galactica.

• Penny : Sheldon, come in.

  Sheldon Cooper : Thank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.

  Penny : There's some in the fridge.

  Sheldon Cooper : You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.

  Penny : On Earth, we say thank you.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?

  Sheldon Cooper : Focus, Leonard, focus. The heat of battle is upon us; the dogs of war unleashed.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Maybe Koothrappali's right; maybe I embarrass her.

  Sheldon Cooper : You're embarrassing me right now. A grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

• Leonard Hofstadter : [watching football]  What is this "sacks" statistic they put up there?

  Howard Wolowitz : All I know about Saks is my mother shops there.

  Leonard Hofstadter : [searching the index of "Football for Dummies"]  Sacks, sacks.

  Sheldon Cooper : It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.

  Leonard Hofstadter : Huh.

  [looking through his book again] 

  Leonard Hofstadter : Scrimmage...

  Sheldon Cooper : The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.

• Leonard Hofstadter : Well, this sucks.

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?

  Rajesh Koothrappali : Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny little man who flies kites.

  Sheldon Cooper : Oh, that certainly would suck.

• Rajesh Koothrappali : Sheldon, I don't suppose there's any chance you could give me kite back?

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate that the fallen kite go to the victor, and without rules the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture: I have your kite! I have your kite!

• [first lines] 

  Howard Wolowitz , Leonard Hofstadter , Rajesh Koothrappali : Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!

  Sheldon Cooper : Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"

  Howard Wolowitz , Leonard Hofstadter , Rajesh Koothrappali : [after a beat]  Kites ho!

• Leonard Hofstadter : What the hell are you talking about?

  Sheldon Cooper : I'm attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge nudge wink wink.