- Pierce Hawthorne: Don't, don't, don't, uh, lock your knees. Never lock your knees. You know what happens when you lock your knees? You die.
- Britta Perry: Did you talk to Chang?
- Jeff Winger: [Hung over] Yeah, but it didn't do any good. My head still hurts from all the yelling. And my pupils are more sensitive to light because he yelled at me so much.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [trying to imitate Jeff who's ditched the group] If he gets any nuttier, they're going to put him on "The View".
- Dean Pelton: Good morning! I'm here to kick off the first day of a new tradition at our school called Green Week.
- Pierce Hawthorne: What? First, we give a month to black history, now seven days on the Irish.
- Britta Perry: There's only one solution. Someone has to go to Chang and talk to him.
- Annie Edison: I vote we all look at Jeff at the same time.
- Jeff Winger: [looks up from his phone] In a way, all of you are right. Okay, what was I tuning out?
- Annie Edison: You have to get Chang to call off some of this homework. You're the one with the silver tongue.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah, go tongue Chang.
- Jeff Winger: Guys, what makes you think I can convince Chang of anything if I can't even convince you not to make me do it?
- Shirley Bennett: I guess it sounds crazy.
- Troy Barnes: Oh... Jeff does raise a good point.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I don't get it.
- Troy Barnes: Wait, you are convincing!
- [all gasp]
- Shirley Bennett: You just made us change. You could do it.
- [Jeff looks up from his phone in frustration]
- Señor Chang: Pencils down.
- [observes Annie still writing, walks to Annie's desk, clears throat, drags Annie's desk with Annie into the hallway and closes door]
- Señor Chang: I want you all to write a one-page essay, in espanol, entitled, "Annie's Mistake."
- Pierce Hawthorne: Why doesn't Annie have to write it?
- Señor Chang: Okay, two pages, entitled, "The Consequences of Questioning Authority."
- Shirley Bennett: This is spanish 101. I know how to say "hello," "tomorrow," and that tables are female. That's the only spanish you taught us.
- Señor Chang: Oh, six pages on ignorance.
- Britta Perry: Guys, put your hands down. Senor Chang, please continue. We respect your authority.
- Señor Chang: Thank you, Britta. 20 pages on ass kissing! Due on Monday.
- Annie Edison: [from outside the classroom] This Monday?
- [after he and Abed sing to the mouse, it runs up Troy's trouser leg]
- Troy Barnes: It's up my leg! It's up my leg!
- [Troy runs to the cage, squealing, and puts the mouse back in its cage]
- Troy Barnes: Disgusting!
- [He buries his face in his arms]
- Abed Nadir: Thank you.
- Señor Chang: I pleasured that woman greatly.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. You look like you would have to. I'm not surprised you said that.
- Señor Chang: I like you, Winger. Pickled bull testicle?
- Jeff Winger: Uh, are you offering or collecting?
- Annie Edison: You devious clump of overpriced fabric and hair product.
- Shirley Bennett: Speaking as one of the meek, as soon as I inherit the earth, you a dead man.
- Troy Barnes: You got a weird forehead.
- Britta Perry: We're all very disappointed.
- Jeff Winger: All right, dial it back a little, Britta. If anyone should be disappointed, it's me. What kind of a group threatens to kick someone out unless he helps them?
- Pierce Hawthorne: What kind of a person is asked to help other people and then helps himself!
- Annie Edison: Yeah.
- Shirley Bennett: Mm-hmm.
- Jeff Winger: Helps himself? I don't think I like being talked to that way!
- Britta Perry: He's using fake outrage to justify leaving.
- Jeff Winger: Fake outrage? Justify my... Yeah, that's it. I'm out of here.
- Annie Edison: Oh, you're breaking up with the group?
- Jeff Winger: That's what you guys want.
- Pierce Hawthorne: It's all right, I've been divorced seven times.
- Señor Chang: [knocks] What do you want, Winger? Here to complain about the homework on behalf of the class?
- Jeff Winger: Can I ask you a personal question, Señor Chang?
- Señor Chang: [laughs] Okay, Freud. Sure. You try to penetrate my psychological armor, and...
- Jeff Winger: Did your wife leave you?
- Señor Chang: Holy...
- [gasps]
- Señor Chang: How did you know?
- Jeff Winger: Well, when you pick juries, you learn to read the little stuff. Same shirt twice in one week. Teaching us the word "esposa" means "liar." The picture of you with a woman with a post-it note dialogue balloon above her head that says, "enjoy it while it lasts."
- Señor Chang: The difference between 'usted' and 'tu' is a matter of formality. Pepe, usted es viejo. "you are old." Alberto, usted es feo. "you are ugly."
- Shirley Bennett: No, you're not, Abed.
- Abed Nadir: Thanks.
- Señor Chang: Shakira... Shakira... y Tupaco... west side... ustedes estan sucios. "you are dirty."
- Troy Barnes: [angrily] Dude!
- Señor Chang: Still formal, but plural. Because, while both are dirty, neither are my friends. Okay?
- Señor Chang: Here you go. Look at Pierce's paragraph from unit two.
- Jeff Winger: Let's see. "I took a computer class at tiende de manzana..." The apple store. Adorable.
- Señor Chang: Keep going, keep going.
- Jeff Winger: And the saleswoman had manzanas gigante. Ruined it.
- Señor Chang: Can you imagine being married to him?
- Jeff Winger: Seven times! Seven different women agreed to marry that guy. It's cra--
- [laughing]
- Señor Chang: [high-pitched sobbing] I'm so alone. I'm so lonely! I want to die.
- Jeff Winger: Come on man, it... Come on, don't do that.
- Señor Chang: [catching his breath] I... Just miss her so much.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah.
- Señor Chang: [sobbing] I'm sorry. This is so stupid.
- Jeff Winger: No, no, it's fine. It's just... buddy, you know...
- Señor Chang: It's dumb!
- Jeff Winger: You know I can see that you're hurting, um, but I have to get to accounting. And it's not like I'm hitting strip clubs with professor Whitman.
- Señor Chang: You better not be!
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Señor Chang: All I ask...
- [sniffles]
- Señor Chang: is for you to keep filling the void in my soul.
- Jeff Winger: Well, I'll have to think of something.