Community (TV Series)
Comparative Religion (2009)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Britta, put your blouse back on.
Jeff Winger : [turns and Pierce kicks him] Ow!
Pierce Hawthorne : Boys, this is not a game! You got to be ready for anything!
Troy : Dude! That is not cool.
Pierce Hawthorne : Well, that foxy black girl thinks it is.
[kicks Troy when he turns]
Jeff Winger : What are you doing?
Troy : Why she have to be black?
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Jeff Winger : True or falso or none of the above? That doesn't make any sense.
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Shirley : You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.
Jeff Winger : December 10?
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Mike : Give me a winterdoodle!
Jeff Winger : If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.
Mike : Oh, you're funny. You're a funny man. Wanna hear something funny, funny man? Knock-knock. My fist up your balls!
Jeff Winger : Who's there...?
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Shirley : I'm not mad. I'm dissapointed.
Jeff Winger : That's mom for mad.
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Pierce Hawthorne : Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws.
[Jeff punches pads lightly. Pierce laughs]
Pierce Hawthorne : What are you, a North Korean seamstress?
Jeff Winger : Not if that's bad.
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Troy Barnes : You're a pretty big dude. You've probably got moves.
Jeff Winger : Yeah, I got some theories.
Abed : You've never been in a fight?
Jeff Winger : Technically, no. I guess I'm too charming and likeable. Call me a name.
Troy Barnes : I can't.
Abed : Mm.
Pierce Hawthorne : Are you telling me you've never been punched in the face?
Jeff Winger : No, thank God. This is the moneymaker.
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Shirley : I am so sick of the dean jamming his PCness down my throat.
Jeff Winger : Pierce, I'd like to commend you for letting that one go.
Pierce Hawthorne : [chuckling] PCness. Now I get it.
Troy : It sounds like penis. I just got it, too.
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Shirley : Well, don't we have a diverse little family. I say we open up this party to all faiths. I brought my Star of Bethlehem, which led the wise men to the savior of all mankind. And you guys can bring a little trinket or doodad from your philosophies. Sounds good?
Jeff Winger : As an agnostic, I'm gonna bring my winning smile.
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Jeff Winger : Whatever you do, don't tell Shirley about the fight. She'll start in with all her mothery guilt-inducing powers. You know what I mean?
Troy Barnes : No. I'm wearing this Jesus bracelet because it gets me chicks.
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Troy Barnes : [teaching Jeff how to fight] No, it's a question. What's up?
Jeff Winger : What's up?
Troy Barnes : Not a real question, a rhetorical one. You have the answer, he does not. Then you give them the Forest Whitaker eye.
Jeff Winger : Oh, that's pretty good.
Troy Barnes : Okay, hold that stare. There you go. Hold it. Then, look straight through his eyes and deep into his soul.
Britta : And then you move to Vermont.
Troy Barnes : I'm sick and tired of you saying that fighting is gay.
Abed : She's got a point. In boxing, you fight for the purse and a belt.
Britta : I've gotta write a paper about that. Let's see what we're working with.
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Shirley : Jeffrey, I have two boys. And when we have a serious discussion, I find that a brownie helps them to relax.
[gives Jeff a brownie]
Shirley : So why do you hate me and Jesus?
Jeff Winger : I don't think my brownie's working.
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Mike : Hey, look at that, Forehead's taking a test.
Jeff Winger : Why don't you get going, Chuck Norris?
Mike : Did you just shoo me?
Britta : Why don't you just kiss him already?
Mike : Dude, I will shoo your nose down your throat.
Jeff Winger : Señor Chang, can you do something about this?
Señor Chang : I'll allow it.
Mike : Qué pasa here, huh? It's usted, dude. Even I know that.
[knocks test off the desk, laughing]
Jeff Winger : You picked the wrong day to correct my Spanish, No Sleeves. It's on.
Abed : He's doing this for me. He's my bodyguard.
Mike : You wanna dance?
Britta : To some show tunes?
Jeff Winger : No, I want to beat you and I'm gonna enjoy it, because you're like this school. You're obnoxious, cramping my style and you smell like french-fry oil.
Mike : I don't get it.
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Jeff Winger : So help me, if that jerkweed made me fail.
Pierce Hawthorne : Well, I aced it, amigo. That means cousin.
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Shirley : What is going on?
Troy : We're trying to get Jeff ready for the fiiiiiiiiiiiii... iight.
[whispers to Jeff]
Troy : I couldn't think of another word.
Jeff Winger : [to Troy] Idiot.
[to Shirley]
Jeff Winger : He meant we were figh... ting.
[to Troy]
Jeff Winger : It is hard to think of another word.
