Our Idiot Brother (2011)

Paul Rudd: Ned

Photos 

Quotes 

• Omar : [speaking extremely slowly]  I'm Officer Omar Coleman. I'm your parole officer.

  Ned : I'm Ned Rochlin. Why are you talking so slow?

  Omar : [now speaking normally]  I just figured, looking at your sheet, that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer that you must be retarded.

  Ned : Yeah, I get that a lot.

• Ned : I like to think that if you put your trust out there; if you really give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion.

• Billy : Nothing like two dudes and a dog making candles.

  Ned : Such a cliche.

• Ned : Ok I, I really didn't want to get litigious, but I brought a lawyer.

  Cindy : [off-screen, shouting into the phone]  Well I am sorry I don't have a fat, throbbing cock for you!

  Janet : That's some Ivy League shit out there, man.

• Ned : [working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop]  Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.

  Billy : It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!

  Ned : That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another another candle.

  Billy : Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!"

  Ned : [agreeing, amused by the idea]  I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!

  Billy : [still revising his literary contribution]  Trust me man... I have been other candles!

• Ned : Hey, you know, I've been meaning to tell you. You're doing a really good thing here, Omar. Seriously. I mean you talk to us screw-ups, you give us a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

  Omar : Thanks, man. So you get out of bed in another three weeks, OK?

  Ned : I'll do it.

  Omar : I appreciate the compliment. It's rare that we get love from the clients.

  Ned : Well, you're a good dude. And I just needed this appointment today, I'm having a tough go of it. I swear, I try and do good, but I just screw it up. Man, I screwed it up with my sisters, I'm back living with my mom. On top of it all, I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the street from me.

  Omar : OK, I didn't just hear that.

  Ned : I said I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the stre...

  Omar : What are you doing? Hey! Ned, why are you telling me this?

  Ned : I just need to unload, man. That's part of why I'm here, right?

  Omar : I'm not your therapist, Ned. You don't tell your parole officer you got high. Now I have to report you or I could lose my job.

  Ned : Seriously? Can you forget I said that?

  Omar : No, Ned, I can't.

  Ned : Aw, fuck.

• Ned : I need some leg warmers, my Croc is stuck!

• Billy : Do you think this is an ugly candle?

  Ned : No way, man. There's no such thing as an ugly homemade candle.

• Ned : [about River]  You know, he's just a little boy. Little boys fight. Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist.

• Jeremy : [Referring to Ned not being able to go through with a 3-way with a man and a woman]  Just because you're straight doesn't mean you're homophobic.

  Ned : [Feeling ashamed of himself]  I don't know, maybe I should have tried harder.

• Ned : [looking for his dog Willy Nelson]  Hey man, have you seen Willy Nelson?

  Billy : Oh, Yeah, definitely.

  Ned : When?

  Billy : [realizing what was actually asked]  Oh you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!

• Miranda : Every man I meet is either a dick or a loser.

  Ned : What about Jeremy? He's not a dick. And he's not a loser, either.

  Miranda : Well, that's debatable. He doesn't even have health insurance.

  Ned : Neither do I. At least I don't think I do.

• Ned : This is like free therapy. New York State cares.

• Liz : [weeping]  This can't be happening. I never should have let Ned stay here.

  Miranda : What about what Ned did to me ? I take him to work, he hangs me out to dry in front of everyone. Hang on. I'm getting call waiting. Hello?

  Natalie : Our Idiot brother just ruined my fucking life.

  Ilene : You know you'll always have a place here with me.

  Ned : Thanks, Mom.

  Ilene : I thought the girls wouldn't't want you hanging around, they've got too much stuff going on to bother with people like us.

  [sips wine]